forgiven, but not forgotten

the problem is, we can forgive, but we do never forget. and that's how a bunch of small things and details that we thought forgiven and forgotten long ago always show up when we most need them to stay deep in the hidden hell where they belong. but no, oh no, when things get messed up, they have to join the party and make everything even more confused, just when we thought it could no longer be possible. i'd really like to have an answer. better: i'd really like to have the answer you want to hear from me. yes, i'd like it to be as it used to be - not in the end, in the dark, raging end, but in the beginning, when everything was smooth and perfect. but i can't simply walk away, forget all that and start it over again as if it was nothing, because it was. it really was. and to be quite honest, i'm not up to live that again. that's only one possibility, i know, but now, after getting used to my mellancholic solitude once again, i don't know if it is worth to risk it all.

i know that all this shit makes no sense at all. the thing is, i can no longer be sure of what i feel. i wish i did, either for good or bad. it'd make things way easier.