insomnia
i couldn't remember the last time i had felt restless in bed, but lately it has become rather common. last night it was terrible. ended up getting up at half past three, my body hurting from the head to the toes. it wanted no bed. it wanted no sleep.
i had no choice but to obey, of course.
the balcony for a late-night cigarrette is always a good idea. people wonder why do i smoke. they ask me if i don't know that smoking is bad for my health - as if i was blind and couldn't read the huge black-and-white warnings printed on every pack. here's the answer: i smoke because of the loneliness. because of moments like that one, when i can get no sleep, no rest, no company. so i can go out, sit in the balcony and stare at the night, at the full moon, at the bridge over the city and the river. i've noticed recently that there are always cars and trucks crossing the bridge. it doesn't rest for a minute. it stays awake the whole night, so others who stay awake as well can speed through it. the cigarrette is over, i toss its tip over the balcony, to the backyards below. they belong to someone else, of course. i'm waiting for the day when one neighbour - any of them - will yell at me for tossing the cigarrette tips.
sitting in front of the computer is also a good idea. staring at the screen, after all, wears the eyes and makes me sleepy. but what to do in front of the computer? there is no one to chat on instant messaging. w.o.w. mates are all sleeping, and those who aren't are certainly doing something better. i've read all the blogs i read everyday, and posted some comments already. feel too tired and too blank to write anything of my own. i hate insomnia not because i can's sleep - couldn't care less about sleep - but because it also drains any idea or inspiration i might have for writing. you might ask, but i'm writing. yes, but right now i should be working, and i feel so sleepy that i feel i could sleep until tomorrow morning without much of a trouble. so i'm delaying what i would like to do - to sleep - because of what i must do - work. some people say this is what adulthood is all about. i say this is a complete pain in the ass. for once, i miss my life as a student - could skip classes in moments like this one. those days are never coming back though. i don't miss my school years. don't miss the school mates, don't miss the girlfriends, don't miss the classes, don't miss the bar, the hallways, the schoolworks, the climbing uphill every morning. i do miss some friends that are still my friends despite of the university - those that life hasn't send so far away. should spend more time with them, now that i think of it. miss how easy it was to pull out a girl, without much of a fuss - being a student is to be always knowing new people, after all; after that, your social life becomes a living hell. at least mine did. i'm sorry that some of the classes (and teachers) i had took place in my first year. were they in the last and i would have learned so much more. i hated that bar, always noisy, always too full of cigarrette smoke - and nowadays, still noisy but without any smoke, any particular smell. schoolworks were lousy, and one of them in particular ended up opening a wound that will never really heal. the school building was terrible. it was modern architecture, but would made howard roark slash his wrists. it had a silly concept and no soul whatsoever. and it stood on the top of a damned hill. can't miss it in any way, except for the fact that when i was studying there, i could skip classes if i wanted to sleep. or if i wanted to see a friend. or if i wanted to skip them just for the sake of it. so basically i miss my school because i could chose not to go there. funny.
enough. this ain't making any sense anyway. going to smoke a cigarrette and have a coffee before i fall asleep over the keyboard.
i had no choice but to obey, of course.
the balcony for a late-night cigarrette is always a good idea. people wonder why do i smoke. they ask me if i don't know that smoking is bad for my health - as if i was blind and couldn't read the huge black-and-white warnings printed on every pack. here's the answer: i smoke because of the loneliness. because of moments like that one, when i can get no sleep, no rest, no company. so i can go out, sit in the balcony and stare at the night, at the full moon, at the bridge over the city and the river. i've noticed recently that there are always cars and trucks crossing the bridge. it doesn't rest for a minute. it stays awake the whole night, so others who stay awake as well can speed through it. the cigarrette is over, i toss its tip over the balcony, to the backyards below. they belong to someone else, of course. i'm waiting for the day when one neighbour - any of them - will yell at me for tossing the cigarrette tips.
sitting in front of the computer is also a good idea. staring at the screen, after all, wears the eyes and makes me sleepy. but what to do in front of the computer? there is no one to chat on instant messaging. w.o.w. mates are all sleeping, and those who aren't are certainly doing something better. i've read all the blogs i read everyday, and posted some comments already. feel too tired and too blank to write anything of my own. i hate insomnia not because i can's sleep - couldn't care less about sleep - but because it also drains any idea or inspiration i might have for writing. you might ask, but i'm writing. yes, but right now i should be working, and i feel so sleepy that i feel i could sleep until tomorrow morning without much of a trouble. so i'm delaying what i would like to do - to sleep - because of what i must do - work. some people say this is what adulthood is all about. i say this is a complete pain in the ass. for once, i miss my life as a student - could skip classes in moments like this one. those days are never coming back though. i don't miss my school years. don't miss the school mates, don't miss the girlfriends, don't miss the classes, don't miss the bar, the hallways, the schoolworks, the climbing uphill every morning. i do miss some friends that are still my friends despite of the university - those that life hasn't send so far away. should spend more time with them, now that i think of it. miss how easy it was to pull out a girl, without much of a fuss - being a student is to be always knowing new people, after all; after that, your social life becomes a living hell. at least mine did. i'm sorry that some of the classes (and teachers) i had took place in my first year. were they in the last and i would have learned so much more. i hated that bar, always noisy, always too full of cigarrette smoke - and nowadays, still noisy but without any smoke, any particular smell. schoolworks were lousy, and one of them in particular ended up opening a wound that will never really heal. the school building was terrible. it was modern architecture, but would made howard roark slash his wrists. it had a silly concept and no soul whatsoever. and it stood on the top of a damned hill. can't miss it in any way, except for the fact that when i was studying there, i could skip classes if i wanted to sleep. or if i wanted to see a friend. or if i wanted to skip them just for the sake of it. so basically i miss my school because i could chose not to go there. funny.
enough. this ain't making any sense anyway. going to smoke a cigarrette and have a coffee before i fall asleep over the keyboard.
6 Comments:
I know I've told you this before but your writing seriously reminds me that of a friend of mine. Now I realize that even your habits are alike. It's getting creepy...
Creepy? Nah. Now you're positive I'm not a sociopath. So you know you have nothing to worry about... :p
Besides, I don't even like scary movies..!*
Hmmm, I'm doubtful about that =P
about what? about not having anything to worry about, or about my taste on scary movies? :)
About you not being a sociopath... Who knows, you might a master of disguise and you just concealed your true self =P
A master of disguise? You flatter me, my dear, when I'm the worst liar you'll ever meet in your life :)
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