whisper

2:00 a.m.. i should be asleep by now; yet i am compelled to leave. the rain outside in the dark is calling me to the empty street. i go. there are no stars in the sky. not a single one to light this cloudy night. i wander. my footsteps are the only sound echoing in this sleeping city. some cars come and go, but i am oblivious to them, as i am to everything else. i am lost.

this might be a somehow poetic way to describe a late-night walk to buy cigarrettes, but the fact is, cigarrettes are not the point. yes, i end up in a local store buying my usual yellow pack of walking cancer, but it is nothing but an excuse. suddenly my room seemed too closed. like a cage, where i was doomed to sat and walk in circles, showing to everyone's laughter my misery. i needed to leave; to face the cold and the wind and the rain and close my eyes and feel that i was alive, that i was still alive.

i feel that i belong nowhere. the wandering outside soon makes me feel empty again. the rain and the cold wind no longer comfort me. for a moment i think about keep going, towards the unknown. but in the end i decide to come back. yet i don't return to my cage. i sit in the stairs and start to think. how come i am so empty and there are so many things that i need to say? god, i need another cigarrette. but i can't smoke here. i should go back to the cage. when i'm pushing the lift's buttons, i look around until my eyes focus on the dark stairs to the third floor. never mind the lift.

i need to talk. i desperately need to talk. i grab my phone and try a few calls. all dead. all empty. of course. who would you expect to be awake at this time? you should be sleeping, remember? i can't help but feel the irony of all this. when i become so miserable that i can actually call for help, no one answers me. no one knows. fuck if the pride can be a hard thing to swallow.

take me as i fall. isn't this from a song? no, not exactly like this. but the music is here. why has this come to me now?

catch me as i fall,
say you're here and it's all over now.
speaking to the atmosphere,
no one's here and i fall into myself.
this truth drives me
into madness...
i know i can stop the pain
if i will it all away....

don't turn away,
(don't give in to the pain)
don't try to hide,
(though they're screaming your name)
don't close your eyes,
(god knows what lies behind them)
don't turn out the light...
(never sleep, never die)

i'm frightened by what i see,
but somehow I know
that there's much more to come.
immobilized by my fear,
and soon to be
blinded by tears.
i can stop the pain
if i will it all away...

don't turn away,
(don't give in to the pain)
don't try to hide,
(though they're screaming your name)
don't close your eyes,
(god knows what lies behind them)
don't turn out the light...
(never sleep, never die)

fallen angels at my feet,
whispered voices at my ear.
death before my eyes,
lying next to me i fear...
she beckons me,
shall i give in?
upon my end shall i begin
forsaking all i've fallen for?
i rise to meet the end...

don't turn away,
(don't give in to the pain)
don't try to hide,
(though they're screaming your name)
don't close your eyes,
(god knows what lies behind them)
don't turn out the light...
(never sleep, never die)

(evanescence)

hear me . . .