the valley of shadows

it was so much easier to endure the walk through the valley of shadows when the responsabilities could be avoided, delayed or simply forgotten. for that i miss my school times. i really do. i could simply not attend to a class, or to any class, if i wanted to. if i didn't feel up to it. any excuse would do, i wouldn't care. everything could be crumbling outside; it didn't matter, i could stay all day wrapped in the solitude of my blankets if i wanted to. but not now. not any more. now i have things to do. now i have to see people, whether i want to or not. now i have to face the sun - and feel myself darkened so deep that no light seems to be able to reach it. now it does matter if i can't focus, if i can't sleep, if my mind wanders between painful memories and sorrowful conceptions of a shattered future. now it's a royal pain in the ass, much more than it used to be. it's so fucking helpless.