suicide note IV

in that night, black storm clouds covered the starlit sky i used to worship.

in that night, furious lightning bolts traversed the sky and scorched the dephts of my own with their blistering light, as ravenous thunders bursted in my ears and shoke my restless soul.
in that night, rain was not cold as it should be, and it burned my naked skin.

in that night, for the very first time in my life, i wished to die.

and i died.

i didn't scream, i didn't cry, i didn't even mutter, for no one was there to hear me (no one ever is). i just sat in the dark, alone and cold, with the razor in my fingers. i didn't cut my fists, but my soul has been ripped apart. i didn't shed my own blood, but i felt it leaving my body, soaking my hands, flooding the ground around me. my heart never stopped beating, but i've never felt its beat again since then.

i have no scars in my fists. still i can see them all the time, burning in red hot, reminding me every waking moment that my world fell down, and how i killed myself in the fall. i can still walk, breathe and see. though my path is gone, the air isn't cool and fresh, and i'm surrounded by darkness.

i wander without a destiny, without a goal, without a reason. i don't remember my past, i don't dream with my future. i don't live my present anymore. i feel the morning sun warming my pale skin, but my soul is as frozen as ice. the world is oblivious to my sorrow as i'm oblivious to its existence.

i returned from hell in that bleak night. but my soul remained down there, burning for the eternity...

(originally published in the darkside rebirth at january 3rd, 2005)