the improbability of communication

fuck the voices on my head. fuck the race my heart is beating against itself - and losing, the sucker. fuck the pride, i've swallowed worst. time to grab my cell phone and give someone a buzz. killing time, some would say. pure despair, i might add.

more than one-hundred contact numbers here.

excluding:

- family (4). won't do.
- work-related (7). lol.
- male-friends (30). no good to talk with them about this.
- unknown numbers i have (2). don't ask.

this leaves girls, mind you. now, let's see:

- ex-girlfriends/ex-affairs (3). not in a million years.
- old friends, now acquaintances, to whom i haven't talked for ages (31). it won't be now, that's for damn sure.
- old friends that didn't even knew she ever existed (6). pointless, isn't it?
- biased friends (2). obvious.
- close friends with whom i don't feel up to talk (7). self-explanatory.
- close friends i'm tired of (1). quoting holden, she give(s) me a royal pain in the ass.
- close friends i've bugged recently (2). they've had enough of this shit already.
- close friends that would make me feel worse (5).
- close friends i would really call now (1). i'll try.
- close friends with cell phone turned out (1). i tried.

oh, fuck it. fuck it all.