the bottom line

the bottom line, however, is: i don't hate myself and my life as much as i pretend to. i mean, i hate it and i love it. it destroys me on a whim and brings me back to life with a heartbeat. it kills me every day, and everyday i am reborn. the problem with the choice lies there: i've seen the alternative way before. i lived there for eighteen bloody years - and a part of me is still burioed there. and returning there now.... i don't know, it'd feel as if i'm taking one step back, and not one step further.