January 25, 2007
the thorny maze where i am is too thick for anyone to find me. but then again, who would dare enter into it only to find an empty shell?
s.a.c. revisited
we're not free because we're slaves of the choices we make. of the choices we made. even of the choices we will make. and no matter what choice we make, no matter what path we follow, we always do it alone, all alone.
January 23, 2007
January 20, 2007
neither forgiven nor forgotten
i stood silent not because i had nothing to say - because i had, i really had - rather because i didn't want to screw everything more than it was already screwed. you may haven't noticed - you may never notice - but it stung. oh, indeed it did. it's not that you were wrong and i was right. but where has your understanding gone? your care? your friendship? in that sunny moment, i saw no friend, not the old friend of so many years, but someone casting me aside. and i felt cast aside. the others' silence didn't help, as i don't know what in a thousand hells were they thinking. i can only figure it out, and you know, i always figure things out by the worse scenario.
you said you didn't want to compare the situation to another, long since past. but by mentioning it, you did it. and you weren't saying it to myself, but to you and to you only. it that thought hadn't come to your mind at least once, you wouldn't have ever mentioned it. we don't say things we didn't previously think. i just wonder, you had all the guts to crucify me, but where were your guts long ago, when they were most needed? back then, i played the bad guy role, and you ended up on top, untouched, unscarred, while i was the target of all the hatred.
now you think that everything's all right, that i heard all your shit and accepted it as if it were some kind of divine words. really, you don't know me. i thought you did, but you don't. you got it all wrong, and there are no excuses for that. i may seem all right, but i'm not. not with you. that's the way i am. i can get over many things, even if at first i don't know where or how to get enough strenght to do it. but sometimes i simply can't forget, as i cannot forgive. it's beyond me.
and you, along with your brand new intolerance, are unforgiven and unforgetable. pity you won't realise this all by yourself.
you said you didn't want to compare the situation to another, long since past. but by mentioning it, you did it. and you weren't saying it to myself, but to you and to you only. it that thought hadn't come to your mind at least once, you wouldn't have ever mentioned it. we don't say things we didn't previously think. i just wonder, you had all the guts to crucify me, but where were your guts long ago, when they were most needed? back then, i played the bad guy role, and you ended up on top, untouched, unscarred, while i was the target of all the hatred.
now you think that everything's all right, that i heard all your shit and accepted it as if it were some kind of divine words. really, you don't know me. i thought you did, but you don't. you got it all wrong, and there are no excuses for that. i may seem all right, but i'm not. not with you. that's the way i am. i can get over many things, even if at first i don't know where or how to get enough strenght to do it. but sometimes i simply can't forget, as i cannot forgive. it's beyond me.
and you, along with your brand new intolerance, are unforgiven and unforgetable. pity you won't realise this all by yourself.
January 16, 2007
world of warcraft or what people do to get a game
and yes, i'm included in the title.
ten a.m. i leave the school and meet my friend john on the street. the raid for the game starts. "i was the second one to get there!", says he, well humoured as always, despite the fact that he woke up quite early to get to the store. "the first guy to arrive, man, you should have seen him! he was so nervous, kept shaking all the time, couldn't stand still for a mere second. breathe, man, i said him! take it easy, you'll get your game today! useless."
he kept driving to another shopping mall by the city centre, in hope that we could get luckier. he explained, "i have reservation for two games, but dan is screwed as they're only allowing each person to get two copies of the game, and no more. but if we can find it somewhere else, the better."
no luck at the shopping mall. every single copy of the game that the store will receive is already ordered. collector's editions, those are impossible for a mortal to get. anyway. long ride through the city, and we finally get back to the first mall, where he has ordered our two copies. but nearby, there is a football stadium with a computer store. "we could check there", he said, even though he hates the team whose stadium it is. football things, you know.
don't ask how, but we both forgot to go there in the very same moment we thought about it. back to the old store, at least twenty people, maybe more, are waiting. no game yet. no replies from anyone in the store. an unidentified reporter team is talking to people. "they should be indentified", i commented (journalist things). "they're violating the journalist's code of conduct and ethics if they belong to any t.v. station or press agency". but we soon forgot them, as lunch time was approaching. quick snack, back to the store. one hour and a half waiting for nothing.
then the first guy to arrive, nervous as always, met us by the store's doors. "some friends called me, there are copies of the game in tha stadium's store." we thought he wanted to clean the queue a little (even though he was the first - go figure nervous people), and our suspicious looks did nothing to hide our thought. "i mean it, i would go there myself, but the thing is, i have these vouchers for this store, and need to spend them today. but anyway, you have your reservation, so even if you go there, you won't lose it."
it made sense, and so we went. bingo! a shelve full of our game's copies. thirty, at least. we grabbed three at one and rushed to the payment area. then we met another player, one of those who went, as john, to that other store by the morning. he got his copy and left the store with us.
then, the fun: a group of, i don't know, twelve guys that were in the previous store were coming up the street as we were going down. they recognized us, but their rapine eyes quickly hit the store plastic bags that we didn't bother to hide. "is it the game?", they asked nervously (man, what a game makes to people). "is it avaliable there?"
"yup", we replied.
"how many copies?"
me and the other guy i met on the store, we were thinking about it, but john decided to make some fun. "i don't know, around ten, maybe less."
bullshit. but they didn't even bother to check if we were lying or not. they looked at each other and all of a sudden they broke into a desperate run to the store, each one of them wanting to get the copy for himself. we broke into a laugh, but they didn't looked back - they kept running as if there would be no tomorrow, to get their precious.
man. i wish i could have seen their faces when they hit the store, tired, breathing hard, only to find enough copies for each one of them. still, it's impressive what games can make to people.
ten a.m. i leave the school and meet my friend john on the street. the raid for the game starts. "i was the second one to get there!", says he, well humoured as always, despite the fact that he woke up quite early to get to the store. "the first guy to arrive, man, you should have seen him! he was so nervous, kept shaking all the time, couldn't stand still for a mere second. breathe, man, i said him! take it easy, you'll get your game today! useless."
he kept driving to another shopping mall by the city centre, in hope that we could get luckier. he explained, "i have reservation for two games, but dan is screwed as they're only allowing each person to get two copies of the game, and no more. but if we can find it somewhere else, the better."
no luck at the shopping mall. every single copy of the game that the store will receive is already ordered. collector's editions, those are impossible for a mortal to get. anyway. long ride through the city, and we finally get back to the first mall, where he has ordered our two copies. but nearby, there is a football stadium with a computer store. "we could check there", he said, even though he hates the team whose stadium it is. football things, you know.
don't ask how, but we both forgot to go there in the very same moment we thought about it. back to the old store, at least twenty people, maybe more, are waiting. no game yet. no replies from anyone in the store. an unidentified reporter team is talking to people. "they should be indentified", i commented (journalist things). "they're violating the journalist's code of conduct and ethics if they belong to any t.v. station or press agency". but we soon forgot them, as lunch time was approaching. quick snack, back to the store. one hour and a half waiting for nothing.
then the first guy to arrive, nervous as always, met us by the store's doors. "some friends called me, there are copies of the game in tha stadium's store." we thought he wanted to clean the queue a little (even though he was the first - go figure nervous people), and our suspicious looks did nothing to hide our thought. "i mean it, i would go there myself, but the thing is, i have these vouchers for this store, and need to spend them today. but anyway, you have your reservation, so even if you go there, you won't lose it."
it made sense, and so we went. bingo! a shelve full of our game's copies. thirty, at least. we grabbed three at one and rushed to the payment area. then we met another player, one of those who went, as john, to that other store by the morning. he got his copy and left the store with us.
then, the fun: a group of, i don't know, twelve guys that were in the previous store were coming up the street as we were going down. they recognized us, but their rapine eyes quickly hit the store plastic bags that we didn't bother to hide. "is it the game?", they asked nervously (man, what a game makes to people). "is it avaliable there?"
"yup", we replied.
"how many copies?"
me and the other guy i met on the store, we were thinking about it, but john decided to make some fun. "i don't know, around ten, maybe less."
bullshit. but they didn't even bother to check if we were lying or not. they looked at each other and all of a sudden they broke into a desperate run to the store, each one of them wanting to get the copy for himself. we broke into a laugh, but they didn't looked back - they kept running as if there would be no tomorrow, to get their precious.
man. i wish i could have seen their faces when they hit the store, tired, breathing hard, only to find enough copies for each one of them. still, it's impressive what games can make to people.
on living alone*
do never, ever, let your freezer to run out of that frozen microwave food (like lasagna and things alike). sooner or later you'll be just to lazy to cook your own food, and too out of money to order a pizza.
*alone, without mom and dad and all that family thingy that cook your food and wash your clothes and all that
*alone, without mom and dad and all that family thingy that cook your food and wash your clothes and all that
January 11, 2007
suicide note
fuck the noise. fuck the silence. fuck the uninvited silence that means more than any words that could be yelled, said or whispered. thought, even. fuck my cigarrettes for making my life short. fuck the moments when i run out of them. fuck relationships, they only bring us suffering. fuck their ending and the creeping solitude that takes us over when it's all said and done. fuck love. fuck hate. fuck duality, from happyness and sadness to war and peace. fuck heaven, too hard to reach. fuck hell, to hard to avoid. fuck the friend who pretend to care about you. fuck those who don't even try to pretend, and those who really care and always end up having pity on you. fuck the boredom. fuck the overload or work. fuck the time and the lack of it. it is never enough for what we have to do, let alone for what we want to do. fuck the dumbness of youth. fuck the wisdom of being old, as you'll soon be dead and all will be useless and wasted. fuck death, for forcing our life to end. fuck life, for screwing us day after day, endlessly, restlessly.
January 10, 2007
we're always the ones to blame
we always know what is going on. what happens is, sometimes we don't wanna know.
and in one way or another, we're forever doomed to be responsible for what happens to us. either because it's our own fault, or because we didn't bother to poke and blame the guilty one.
and it's always easier to watch everything falling that to do something about it; and when we finally make up our mind and do something about it, it's always easy to make it fall even faster than to try to make everything to stay in one piece.
and no, running away doesn't change anything. it never did, and will never do.
and in one way or another, we're forever doomed to be responsible for what happens to us. either because it's our own fault, or because we didn't bother to poke and blame the guilty one.
and it's always easier to watch everything falling that to do something about it; and when we finally make up our mind and do something about it, it's always easy to make it fall even faster than to try to make everything to stay in one piece.
and no, running away doesn't change anything. it never did, and will never do.
January 08, 2007
weak and powerless
tilling my own grave to keep me level.
jam another dragon down the hole.
digging to the rhythm and the echo of a solitary siren,
one that pushes me along and leaves me so.
desperate and ravenous,
so weak and powerless over you
someone feed the monkey while i dig in search of china,
white as dracula as i approach the bottom.
desperate and ravenous,
so weak and powerless over you.
little angel go away,
come again some other day.
the devil has my ear today,
i'll never hear a word you say.
promised i will find a little solace
and some piece of mind,
whatever just as long as i don't feel so...
desperate and ravenous,
so weak and powerless.
desperate and ravenous,
so weak and powerless
over you...
(a perfect circle)
jam another dragon down the hole.
digging to the rhythm and the echo of a solitary siren,
one that pushes me along and leaves me so.
desperate and ravenous,
so weak and powerless over you
someone feed the monkey while i dig in search of china,
white as dracula as i approach the bottom.
desperate and ravenous,
so weak and powerless over you.
little angel go away,
come again some other day.
the devil has my ear today,
i'll never hear a word you say.
promised i will find a little solace
and some piece of mind,
whatever just as long as i don't feel so...
desperate and ravenous,
so weak and powerless.
desperate and ravenous,
so weak and powerless
over you...
(a perfect circle)
January 03, 2007
on being naïve
i was being naïve when i thought that the part of me that everyone knew was not the real me. it may not be the whole me, but still, it is undeniable that it is me. the thing is - and it took me quite some time to realise that -, not everyone, every friend we make, is supposed to know us entirely. no one does, as a matter of fact, not even ourselves, but this is not the point. we are never the same with everyone. when we are with someone, we act accordingly to that person, even if that way of being (the way you talk, the subjects you talk about, and so on) is the complete opposite than what you are when you're with another person.
this is a mess, i know. and all this to say that i'm feeling a lot better about myself. i'm not an alien, after all. or, at least, i'm not entirely an alien. the things we learn in a good conversation are remarkable. thank you, my friend, for the evening.
this is a mess, i know. and all this to say that i'm feeling a lot better about myself. i'm not an alien, after all. or, at least, i'm not entirely an alien. the things we learn in a good conversation are remarkable. thank you, my friend, for the evening.