January 31, 2011
After so many years, the defeat is nigh, seemingly inevitable. There are no winners though; not all the battles include victory. In this case, it is only the defeat, the utter defeat that for so long I thought I had strenght of will enough to avoid. I guess that, once again, I was completely wrong.
January 29, 2011
Prelude and epilogue
I randomly - randomly? - led myself to the archives, seeking for clues to solve a mistery that, solved or not, won't change. The first thing that I noticed was that there are no records of the ending. There is the prelude, the long, multi-layered preluded that built into the downfall. There is a short epilogue, an attempt to do God knows what. But of the ending itself, there is no trace. And I cannot remember it. It's just as if had never happened, as if the prelude led straight to the epilogue, and whatever there was in between was lost forever, an ending never told, never known. There is a date, a specific day, but of that day little memories remain, and those who do have nothing to do with that event. The words recorded in the archives give me no insight. The same questions unanswered before the fall remain unanswered today. Like I said: it wouldn't matter if the answers were found. Once the prelude of the end began, it was already too late.
January 27, 2011
January 19, 2011
That I should find something that I like so much now among the rubble of days gone by is in many ways ironic. But it is also a relief to know I can enjoy it without memories of any kind lurking in the dark.
The good advice
I should remember his advice, given freely so long ago. It was a very simple one, a very obvious one - and so far, the best advice that anyone has ever given me. It had no depht, no second meanings, no sugar-coated words. It was blunt, as all good advice is - blunt, dry, accurate. And above all, true. It shown how much he knew about me, and about life, and how he had foreseen a point where me and life would clash heads on. So he told me: drop that. I remember grinning then, but now, almost four years after that day, I finally do understand its true meaning, and I can appreciate its real value.
January 15, 2011
The game of life
Far too many times I've taken things for granted, which, as you are all well aware of, is the swiftest course towards disappointment. Thus I find it hard nowadays to be sure of things to come: they might, and they might not. When they do depend solely on our own actions or will, we can compromise ourselves in order to reach or accomplish them; shall things go astray, the failure is ours alone to bear. But when they do depend on other's will or resources, how can we be sure? How can we bet, if we know not the odds nor the price to pay? I decided not to play a long time ago, as the memory of that day still haunts me. In a way, I do admire people who still held their belief high, that can so strongly convince themselves that it seems that Fate itself has no choice but to bend before their will; and yet I find my darkest self sometimes wishing for their doom.
January 09, 2011
It might as well be a new year's resolution, as uncanny as it might be for one. Even considering that such resolutions are seldom reasonable, let alone fulfilled.
January 05, 2011
The english language:
Philippines, Singapore, Malaysia, Russia, South Africa, Egypt, Israel, Romania, Slovakia, Poland, Belgium, Norway, Denmark, United Kingdom, Spain, Portugal (obviously), Uruguay, United States, Canada. This blog is read in all these countries, apparentely. My portuguese blog is read mostly in Southern/Western European countries, Brazil, and the Portuguese-speaking African countries (and by a friend in Thailand. Thank god for the English language.
January 04, 2011
Statistically speaking, my life is one big blog
Seven years blogging. Eight different blogs: some of them closed a long time ago, others running under the sun, others in utter darkness. A wild guess: more than five thousand blog entries over seven years. Rounded up, it makes two entries per day since the end of 2003. There was a time when I wanted to be a writter. It's a downgrade, I know, but I suppose that I've made it to blogger. Could be worse.
Ruled by secrecy
I've hesitated a long time, but in the end I did the right choice. It would be pointless to fuel a fire that has been put out a long time ago. Of couse, I can always wonder what point there is in writing it for no one to read it - and, more important, to write it when I know that who would understand won't read it. No point, I suppose. Some things are meant only for us; and as much as we feel like sharing them, ultimately it will accomplish nothing. Another time, maybe; right now, all I need is not to write or think or feel, but to sleep.
January 01, 2011
New year's resolution
No, no, I'm not going to undertake big projects, like a more balanced diet (meaning more vegetables), quit smoking, physical exercise, etc. If any of those things happen during 2011, then they'll happen - they're not a project or one of those new year's decisions, full of good intentions that eventually end up where all good intentions end. My decision for 2011 is quite a simple one: to ask all the friends to whom I've lent books to return them to me. As far as I can remember, there's seven books out there somewhere, they've been so for a while, and it's time for them to return home. For no reason: I just need to figure out whether I do need to buy new bookshelves.
(the blog is still under automatic updates, as right now I'm probably suffering one hell of a hang-over. I'll be back soon)