January 30, 2009
January 29, 2009
life imitating art, imitating life*
January 28, 2009
horcruxes
i crossed that door's threshold and all this comes back to my mind. why? because somehow i feel i've left pieces of my soul behind and, in a way, they make me imortal as well, since they contain memories of myself and faint traces of what i once was and what i once had. especially because each of those objects - like lord voldemort's chosen items - carry a deep significance to me. the first time i returned there, i spotted six of such objects scattered among the space. it has changed meanwhile, though, and now only two remain (probably the others were locked away, or were sent by some place to which i have no access to, thankfully). but those horcruxes are different than the ones from the book. they preserve my memory, my soul, but not for free: a tribute of pain and blood must be paid. and seeing them, touching them, always makes me bleed, always hurts inside. they remain, and shall remain, until the end of the world where they exist now. but their original world has fallen a long time ago, consumed by darkness and hatred. and they remain, the guardians of what has been lost never to be found again. i wish i had never seen them again. i wish you had locked them all away, far from my sight and my heart. i wish you wouldn't care and destroy them. or forget, until their meaning was lost in the sands of time and the piece of me that lies within them was long forgotten.
the wheat and the chaff
the abyss always gazes back
January 27, 2009
hideout (II)
January 26, 2009
like alcohol
expecting me to question about that? small chance. one thing that i've learned at a somewhat early age was that alcohol stings like hell when poured over open wounds, and while what burns, heals, not everything that burns is good for healing purposes.
January 22, 2009
putting out the fires.
January 21, 2009
the law of probable dispersion
January 20, 2009
and to move a little from radiohead...
...which have been taking too much space both in the music section of this blog and in my mp3 player. well, radiohead is never too much, but still, we (read "i") need to listen to other things as well. and a friend has just helped me getting something really nice named "one cell in the sea", the debut album of alison sudol, a.k.a. a fine frenzy (mentioned here and here before). is it just me, or the following lyrics are really something? (check her myspace page to listen the song)
help me out, said the minnow to the trout,
i was lost and found myself swimming in your mouth.
help me, chief,
i've got to plans for you and me.
i swear upon this riverbed
i'll help you feel young again.
not your every day circumstance,
hummingbird taking coffee with the ants.
and i said,
please, i know that we're different.
but we were one cell in the sea in the beginning.
and what we're made of was all the same once,
we're not that different after all.
help me out, said the eagle to the dove.
i've fallen from my nest so high above.
help me fly,
i am too afraid to try.
now saddled with a fear of heights,
i'm praying you can set me right.
not your everyday circumstance,
elephant sharing peanuts with the rats.
and i said,
please, i know that we're different.
we were one cell in the sea in the beginning.
and what we're made of was all the same once,
we're not that different after all.
we are tied in history,
connected like a family.
please, i know that we're different.
we were one cell in the sea in the beginning.
and what we're made of was all the same once,
all the same,
we're not that different after all.
a fine frenzy, the minnow and the trout (one cell in the sea, 2007, #2)
and two things about the post below:
1) i shall praise forever the person who can give me the link (youtube, something like that) for a live performance of bangers and mash with tv quality;
2) why on earth do people do waste their time in gigs recording the musics with a cellphone/camera? okay, i thank them for posting those recordings on youtube, of course, but... if i was there, watching idioteque or bangers and mash, the last thing i'd do was to film it. i'd rock so much that my bones would never forget the predicament, believe me. well, just a thought anyway.
January 19, 2009
see, it's like a booby trap
valentine's night(mare)
i suppose i deserve it.
quoth the raven (XLIII):
my puny life is far from being a "world-historical fact", as i am far from being somewhat important. but my life has gone beyond the tragedy, and it is definitely a farce now. how will it end remains yet to be seen.
January 18, 2009
the mirror
January 15, 2009
quoth the raven (XLII):
thank you
January 14, 2009
checkmate
i can't quite remember the last time i played chess. it has been quite a long time, and i'm not sure i can remember all the rules. which is a shame. there is no way i can defeat that white little king with my black knights. i'm in checkmate anyway.
and fuck, what a cypher.
January 13, 2009
the world has definitely gone nuts
and the funny part is, she's nowhere near ugly. she does have a point though: virginity is overrated these days. well, not for everyone it seems.
where i end and you begin
i believe i've just killed a dream merely by dreaming it. worse: even before it had any chance of unfolding into reality and becoming true. what a shame. it was a very good dream - good enough to warm me up in these cold days. and to make me wonder. it's funny how we get to know people without truly know them. they walk randomly by our life, with no rush but without stopping either; and they leave before we can acknowledge their presence. and then they return, often by pure chance. and we think, we do know so little about them. truly, i know so little about you. to my eyes, you are merely a known face, a friendly one, that i meet in the street now and then; one that i smile to, and one that is always ready to return me that enigmatic smile. but who lies behind that smile? who is hiding behind your freckled face? who is the person whose fire burns behind those ensnaring eyes? i would like to know you, you know? i would really like to see who is the person living behind those fiery eyes, behind the countless freckles. i feel curious now, and how weird can that be? why only now, when i've had - when we've had - more chances than i can count to get to know each other in the last... what, four, five years? quite a long time to know someone, with so little knowledge. a time when we've walked blindfolded by choice (perhaps?), oblivious to whatever happpened around us. too much time, i suppose. after all these years, what do you know? what do i know? you're a complete mistery to me - and most likely, the picture you have of me is the first one you've taken, along with everyone else. one that was never quite true, one that now is rather out of date. how funny would it be now, to sit together somewhere and compare the pictures we've taken with our minds' eyes? heh. to give odds a little push, i said. it might well be all that it takes - won't know it if i won't try it. me and lady luck, though, we aren't exactly friends: she comes and goes as it pleases her, sometimes too early, sometimes too late, but seldom when she's needed (perhaps that's why she's called "luck"). but was it luck that has set us in each other's tracks again? usually i prefer to believe that nothing is ever written, that destiny is merely what we call to the choices that will define our lives. but why you, among so many lost souls? why your smile, and no one else's? what on earth is that supposed to mean? hell, screw it. fate or luck, i'll push it nonetheless, as long as i'm given another shot at it. and even though i can already guess the outcome - it's too damn obvious - it's still worth a shot. sooner or later i'll hit the mark. i have to.
January 11, 2009
another twist
a little push
January 09, 2009
[this is the panic office, section nine-seventeen may have been hit. activate the following procedure.]
January 07, 2009
hangover
and suddenly i've found myself into that moment, you know, just after throwing up when alcohol has finally taken its toll. fisrt you feel supersonic, everything turns into a laugh. then you feel dizzy, a rush makes your feet unstable and your vision is shadowed by invisible clouds. then the world shakes and jumps within you, and everything comes crashing down. out, even. and then you recover a little, enough for you to walk. your head feels heavy though, and you're not quite certain about your whereabouts, or about what you're doing. i'm at this stage right now: shaking like a leaf, unstable in my feet, heavy head, roaming without a clear purpose. soon i'll fall asleep, without notice; and the wake up will really make me feel like shit.
shame not all hangovers can be healed with pills, really.
on good ideas (forgive me the lack of modesty)
the best idea i've had in the last five years was to write this blog exclusively in english. some of my friends moaned about it -they would have to put more effort into reading me if they wanted to understand me. or they wouldn't understand shit of what i was talking about, and so they wouldn't waste their time paying me a visit. but it was a great idea. more than three years later, i can feel that my written english has improved quite a lot. of course, warcraft and my job have also played a decisive role, but this blog has been here for quite a long time, and quite unchangeable, now that i think of it.
and it was good for me to improve my written (and therefore, spoken) english, but also to improve my vocabulary. and my general knowledge. take last post as an example. i knew what i wanted to write (just don't ask me the true meaning of my words, for i shall not reveal it; business as usual) in portuguese, but i was missing some words. namely, the word scavenger. so i thought, how do i refer to an animal who feeds on dead bodies hunted by other predators? what's the damned word? then i thought, okay, vultures are among that kind of animals. so i logged into wikipedia, and searched for "vulture". bingo:
"Vultures are scavenging birds, feeding mostly on the carcasses of dead animals."
so there's the word: scavenging. from scavenger. ten points for my vocabulary. then i kept reading the article on vultures - i could spend countless hours reading wikipedia, really - and i learned, for example, that the decline of vultures has led to hygiene issues on india. or that a group of vultures is called a kettle. see, learned something. could give countless examples to illustrate this theory. but i'll just add, my next blog must be in french.
January 06, 2009
like vultures
January 05, 2009
(not so) wild guesses
how to resume a life:
a heart that's full up like a landfill,
a job that slowly kills you,
bruises that won't heal.
you look so tired-unhappy,
bring down the government,
they don't, they don't speak for us.
i'll take a quiet life,
a handshake of carbon monoxide,
with no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
silence, silence.
this is my final fit,
my final bellyache,
with no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises please.
such a pretty house
and such a pretty garden.
no alarms and no surprises (get me outta here),
no alarms and no surprises (get me outta here),
no alarms and no surprises, please.
radiohead, no surprises (ok computer, 1997, #10)
on loneliness
suicide note
of all the human actions, suicide is by far the most coward. some might disagree. as every living being, we are given the opportunity of living one life, and one life only; therefore, putting an end to it requires a great deal of courage. pure misconception, of course; to face life every day takes courage, not running away in the most absolute way. but we run out of time. we always run out time. death is thorough and flawless - no one can escape its ruthlessness. to live is to play an uneven game, one that allows no victories - only delusions of victory, short-lived triumphs whose meaning is inevitably erased by the sands of time. as such, suicide remains as the only way to laugh at death. the end is unchangeable - death. but a suicide can chose the battlefield and the weapons for the combat. we can't defeat death. but we can bend it - she will take us, but it will take us in our own terms.
worthless effort
January 03, 2009
heathen
"If it didn't exist [the new year's eve]... we should probably ignore the coming and going of time..." actually we wouldn't, my dear. as far as i know, the new year's eve is a somewhat recent celebration. heathen cultures of old celebrated the solstice of winter and summer, for example - back then, the passing of the seasons was enough for everyone to understand the coming and going of time, as you said. i don't know much about the subject, but it kinda makes sense to me that the new year's eve could only be celebrated after the western calendar was implemented - and as such, it's a moment for celebration as good as any other.
and, as such, we drink and party as if there would gonna be no tomorrow. sounds fair to me.
January 02, 2009
i believe i'd have felt more the fall of 2008 if i'd follow the original plan to stay at home alone with books, cigarrettes and alcohol. it was funny to see the look on everyone's faces at midnight, "is this it?" and they only got better in the morning, the question following the past tense: "was that it?"
yes, that was it. boom boom, fireworks that tried to pretend to be the stars missing under the cloudy sky. they failed, of course. and the surprised face of my companions summed it all up: the new year's eve is absolutely meaningless. nothing changes overnight. it's just an excuse - one as good as any other - to get high and drunk. we could all stop pretending that the day - the night, whatever - is anything special. for me, it was a good opportunity to spend some time with friends, and also to spend some time with myself. on that regard, it was quite cool, really.
so far, i've got no projects or decisions for this freshly-started year. the last one was so bad that i dare not plan anything. i'm tired of being disappointed. i'll just wait and see what it will bring me - and what i can make out of it.