December 31, 2010
To all my friends who managed to keep their boyfriends and girlfriends through 2010, good luck and happy new year. God knows - and I do, too - how incredibly unlikely that was. You're some lucky guys and gals. Keep it up. To the rest of the crew who've found this year particularly wretched when it comes to the heart, good news: 2010 is about to be over. Gone. That might not matter that much, I know, but I suppose we are all entitled to think that, after the last three hundred and sixty five days of hell, 2011 cannot be that bad. Cheers.
I'm not quite sure 2010 is the worst year of my life so far, as 2008 provides strong competition. Looking back, in 2008 I've lost the girl I loved back then, I had a declining job and a lot of pressure at home. Plus my grandfather died after months of a long and silent illness, one of my most trusted and beloved friends decided to slam the door in my face, and the only person that year that gave me some hope left to the other side of the world (literally). 2010 was not that dramatic, now that think of it (there's nothing like putting things into perspective). Sure there was a falling job too (there's also a new one, proving once again that there's someone watching over me somewhere up there, at least when it comes to job matters). Surely there was a crumbling relationship, one whose decline and fall wore me out more than everything else before, and has probably changed me irreversibly - to the worst. Surely some people vanished, never to be heard of again. Some innocence regarding friendship was lost as well, as I've learned, once and for all, that we cannot keep the old life as we move into a new one, and some things - some people - are inevitably left behind. 2010 was by far more lonesome and unhealthy (literally) than 2008, but by no means worse. It's hard to be worse than 2008.
Still some good blossomed this year as well. From the perspective of music and literature, it was probably my best year ever. Florence + The Machine, The National, Interpol, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Temper Trap, plus the already classic Radiohead and Arcade Fire, made the soundtrack of the year. When it comes to books, well, it was truly outstanding: Bram Stoker, Ayn Rand, Frank Herbert, Ursula K. Le Guin, Robert A. Heinlein, Isaac Asimov, Arthur C. Clarke, William Gibson, Philip K. Dick - yes, I know, loads of sci-fi, and I've been having one hell of a bang with it. In movies it wasn't so bright, truth be told, but at least I managed to fill some gaps in my film culture by watching Star Wars (the three original movies), The Godfather, Taxi Driver, Paprika, Akira and a few others. Surprisingly enough, it was a good TV year, with series like Firefly, The Walking Dead (my two favourites), House, Lie to Me and Bones. All in all, the year was rather good from the "cultural" perspective, altough my writer's block has prevailed for most of the time. And my best friends are still around, which means that my growing anti-social moods have not yet pushed them away. And no one close died (no, I wouldn't consider Salinger close, although I'm really sorry he died).
So it was not a good year - it was a somewhat crappy one, but not that bad either. I've had worse. Now 2011 is about to start, which for all intents and purposes is a meaningless ocurrence: nothing really changes in our lives because we update the calendary, and even if something does change on that date, it's not because of the date. I'm starting the year as I've done it last year, and the year before that, and the year before that: alone for a moment, regardless of the company I might have around - and I'm sure that, if everything went as planned (yes, this is being automatically posted, it was written some days ago), I'm sure I'll have the finest company possible when 2010 goes bananas. But there is one small moment that is for myself alone, and I don't let that go.
Lessons learned in 2010 (31):
This one for irony's sake: Never again to compromise myself to post something every fucking day. It always seems a good idea when we think about it - "I might as well make a post series on that, get the (few) readers interested and all" -, but it will turn out to be a pain in the ass. Unless get the idea to write all intended posts at once, no matter how many they are, I shall not pull such a stunt again. It's not that I cannot write every day - I can, fortunately I still have the time for it. It's not that I lack stuff to write about - although I might be writing it too many places for the little inspiration I have left these days. It's just that it gets way harder if I have to write every day, instead of writing everyday if I feel like it. You know the drill: its gets boring if you have to do it, instead of wanting to do it (even if you have to do it because you want to do it - does this make any sense?). So the blog shall go on, but the series shan't, unless they have a random nature. By the way, thanks to all who've been commenting the posts either here and in facebook. It's a pity that the comments left on facebook cannot be displayed here, the real place. If we can call a blog a real place, that is.
December 30, 2010
December 29, 2010
Lessons learned in 2010 (29):
It is way better to leave by your own volition that to be shown the way out by someone else. Even if in the end the results are the same. Pride, after all, shall never be overrated.
December 28, 2010
Lessons learned in 2010 (28):
It can be incredibly hard to show someone how much that person means to us. And it's so easy to express oneself wrong while at it.
December 27, 2010
No alarms and no surprises / The age of loneliness
Read an article on the facebook/social networking fad saying that the next generation won't know what it is to lose contact with their high school and university classmates. I strongly doubt it: facebook "friends" are not necessarily real life friends and connections, nor are both terms synonyms (yet, at least). And, of course, do we really want to keep those connections for the rest of our lives? I think not. I look at my facebook account: on the "friends list" I can find some people from high school and university, of course, but only those who are still somewhat close friends (even if some of those friendships are slowly fading away). The rest of them I can do without. I fail to understand the modern urge to stay connected to everyone who, at some random point in space and time, walked into our lives. People are supposed to come and go all the time. To leave our lives and fade into the mists of the unknown, so one day we won't remember them anymore and will stare with wonder at the old photo albums, asking ourselves how did those people turn out to be. Social networking killed that: we might not speak to them for years, but we do know that A married B and they have C and D children, while they're living on E city, with the jobs F and G. They had holidays in August, and we can see the pictures of them smiling in the beaches of H, and having mojitos at the pub I. Similarly, they'll know just the same about ourselves. I mean, do we all really need this? The answer is no: one day we're walking in some street and meet one of those people, some old classmate we haven't seen for real in a decade, say. What will we talk about, when we know everything already? Gone are the news, and with them, the surprise and the amazement of finding out that the shy A actually married the hottie B. Gone is also the old catchphrase "let's have a coffee one of these days and remember the old days, have my contact". There's no need to share a moment anymore - which is ironic, considering that social networking is all about sharing. There's no need to have a coffee with our long-lost classmate: even though we hadn't talked for years, we know everything we're supposed to know. Here lies the true nature of social networking, the hidden one, the Hyde-like visage that is so often and so conveniently ignored: while it promotes "connectivity" and "sharing" and "friendship", social networking erodes the real connectivity, the real sharing, the real friendship - thus replacing them for the void, for a cold, cheap illusion that provides no comfort. The age of social networking is upon us, and seems inevitable; but I won't be surprised if, somewhen in a distant future, it will be known as "the age of loneliness".
Lessons learned in 2010 (27):
My alcohol threshold is higher than I thought it would be. Learned it on Christmas night, of all the nights.
December 26, 2010
Lessons learned in 2010 (26):
Throwing stones is fun until you miss a throw and the stone goes up - vertically. Then it's up to gravity, and we all know how it acts.
December 25, 2010
Lessons learned in 2010 (25):
This is more an un-learned lesson, as it wasn't this year yet that I've learned how to enjoy Christmas.
December 24, 2010
Lessons learned in 2010 (24):
There are parts of my life that will never be disciplined, no matter how hard I try to tame them.
December 23, 2010
Lessons learned in 2010 (23):
This is a lesson confirmed more than a lesson learned, but here it goes anyway: the human imagination is the most extraordinary thing to exist in the universe.
December 22, 2010
Lessons learned in 2010 (22):
Absolute truth (honesty, sincerity) is not even a necessary evil. It's just plain, sheer evil.
December 21, 2010
Lessons learned in 2010 (21):
Sometimes the wrong thing to do is the right thing to do. Sometimes the right thing to do is the wrong thing to do. So we never know what will turn out to be right or wrong. Since we cannot really guess, there's nothing left for us to to other that throw the mud against the wall and hope it sticks there. Or not.
December 20, 2010
December 19, 2010
Lessons learned in 2010 (19):
The poo-poo chair is still the most inspirational place I can find. No kidding. Since I do lack a propper muse, I take a dump. Makes perfect sense.
December 18, 2010
Lessons learned in 2010 (18):
It is possible to reveal ourselves, our most inner selves, right in front of everyone, while no one sees shit. It is indeed possible to deceive everyone, even those who know us better. The corollary is, sometimes the best place to hide is the one that everyone can see.
December 17, 2010
Lessons learned in 2010 (17):
Unlike what I used to think, I never really had anything like writers' block. When it comes to me, it's more like writers' bollocks.
December 16, 2010
Lessons learned in 2010 (16):
There are few things as annoying as those waiting tunes for phones people and companies have on their phone systems. Some of them, when they don't get me momentarily deaf, really make me miss the good old beep-beep-beep. So the lesson is: when doing a phone call, and just in case, keep a distance between your ear and the phone.
December 15, 2010
Lessons learned in 2010 (15):
I know that the body generates physical responses to psychological/emotional stimuli, but some of those reactions can be rather odd. For example, on my current work there's one task that I really dislike doing. And everytime I have to do it, my bladder decides to get into overdrive, and every twenty minutes or so I have to stop whatever I'm doing. Funny.
December 14, 2010
December 13, 2010
Watching my friend P. makes me wonder. So that is what was expected of me. That level of commitment, despite everything else. That ability to believe, to look ahead, to make plans, to make concessions. To give in when needed, instead of giving out when possible. To be, in both meanings of the verb. To cast away the doubts and the fears and deliver myself into the unknown. To forfeit the acessory, the non-important, and hold on to what really matters. To feel. Above everything else, to feel. I could, of course, rationalize everything - what sapped my strenght, what undermined my will, what eroded and ultimately destroyed my emotions and feelings. It would even be most likely true, but not the whole truth. For even if I rationalize everything one fact remains that cannot be spinned by any way: I was never that brave, never as brave as my friend P. is. I never had such a courage. Courage is often reckless, I know. Courage can lead us astray so easily. But it also goes a long way. And in the end, perhaps the distance we have walked matters more than whatever we were pursuing.
Lessons learned in 2010 (13):
People tend to think that love is, matematically speaking, an addition. No, I won't make this note today a joke saying that love starts by addition, then they divide, then they multiply, etc. No. I merely wonder sometimes if love is really and addition, meaning, two people getting together. Sometimes I wonder if it isn't a subtraction instead.
December 12, 2010
Lessons learned in 2010 (12):
Courage goes a long way. And this lesson, I've learned it by default.
(will explain later)
December 11, 2010
Lessons learned in 2010 (11):
Sheep's skin must be quite cheap nowadays, if one can meet so many wolves out there wearing one.
December 10, 2010
December 09, 2010
December 08, 2010
Eyes are hardened, tempered by some unknown and yet vicious fire. Lips are locked tight, roots buried deep, holding the earth with preternatural strenght, never to surrender their grip. Up above, contempt. Pure contempt. It came fast by the night, unexpected and unstoppable. Now we know what it means. Now, we feel it every day, in every waking hour. Sometimes, it makes me afraid, and it comes to me that, sooner or later, sooner than later, I'll be facing the firing squad again. Merely waiting - that's what I'm doing. No point in calling for help or screaming. We'll go on quietly, walking through paths unknown. Far away the sirens sing. Haunt me in the dark, they do, pulling me into the abyss. Their voices soothing, warm, comfortable, pretending the shadows are not evil, darkness is not oppressive, and everything is going to be alright. It never is.
Lessons learned in 2010 (8):
Left at their own volition, every little thing in life drifts towards chaos.
December 07, 2010
Lessons learned in 2010 (7):
You don't really have to fuck up to have someone pissing on you - both metaphorically speaking, of course.
December 06, 2010
December 05, 2010
Lessons learned in 2010 (5):
Even the most open-minded, understanding person is not able to understand everything, and cannot help to pass judgement on you at some point.
December 04, 2010
Lessons learned in 2010 (4):
Love can survive across the whole globe, but it doesn't have the smallest chance of survival when our own little world collapses within us.
December 03, 2010
Lessons learned in 2010 (3):
Some things are never, ever, to be talked about. And no, this depends not on the circumstance or the person we're talking to - it's an absolute rule, period.
December 02, 2010
Lessons learned in 2010 (2):
The whole "fail better" motto isn't always true. And it isn't always a good idea either.