thoughts in chaos

long is the way and hard that out of hell leads up to the light. [john milton] the end is in the beginning and yet we go on. [samuel beckett]


August 27, 2008

16/night

try having an intimate conversation while paying maximum attention to everything that's being said between the lines. and try not to get too scared. for often enough we say things that aren't meant to the ones we're talking to, but to ourselves, and to ourselves alone. i noticed it in that night, in that lonely and dark night when we shattered our walls and shared everything we could share again. you were there, sitting next to me, talking to me - but you weren't really talking to me, but to yourself. you were trying to convince yourself, to make yourself believe in what you were saying, for somehow you seem to need to believe on that. it's understandable; but you see, you're just like me,for we both see, we both understand. but that, apparently, is not a reason strong enough to make us stop. and you know, just like i did, that the road you're walking is going to take you nowhere. you know, as i did, what waits you in the end: loneliness and despair, the same loneliness and the same despair that are already haunting you outside of your fragile veils of belief. you know you fight a battle you can't possibly win, and yet you fight it. 

mind you, my dear, this is not what i wish for you - for you, i can't hope for nothing but for the best. but i know you, and you're so much like me. and i don't want you to end up just like i did, looking back and seeing one year of life wasted in a bloody swamp. 

12:46 PM 0 comments

 

on selfishness (?)

let's put this into perspective: a selfish person(or a self-centered person, or an egoist person - can someone enlighten me about the differences?) is someone who cares only about him or her self, someone who doesn't like to share things with others. i, for example, ofrten define myself as selfish, not because i don't like to share stuff, but because i tend to think about me first, and put myself first in most situations (also because i'm quite individualist). so my happiness always comes first - or should come, in theory. anyway, now let's imagine (just imagine, it won't hurt) that i obtain happiness by helping others, by helping them in any way i can. in other words, if i help, i'm happy. so does that means that, when i help someone out, i'm acting in a selfish way, because i'm not helping because i care about that person, but rather about my own happiness? 

12:17 PM 1 comments

 

waste

sometimes the right person appears at the wrong time. and that's one hell of a waste. 

4:23 AM 0 comments

 

August 25, 2008

so much easier

she did it once too, and it was so strange. for the first time of my life i felt so futile and useless. after all, it's so much easier to give up when all the odds are against us. she pushed them to the limit; she still does it, and against all expectations she keeps going on in the most successful way. i remember when we met, so many years ago, and how pathetic how i felt. damn, there was someone who had all the reasons to hate her life and the world and the sun shining outside, and there she was, with a passion and a love for being alive absolutely unmatched. and i was there, sitting besides her, feeling defeated as i have never felt before. and now you do it again, revealing a strenght that i know i would never had, always keeping your spirits high and never falling into despair. and it's so much easier...

10:58 PM 0 comments

 

hello, lady chatterley

and welcome to my link list :)

5:37 PM 0 comments

 

good things out of hell

hellboy II: the golden army is quite a good movie. two hours of amusement, really. and by the way, i want a girlfriend like liz. i would save loads of money on lighters, and she could be handy to cook and to warm my feet during the winter as well.

5:31 PM 0 comments

 

this has been kinda dead lately, no? holidays, holidays, always the same, story of my life. oh well. there is much to update, and perhaps some revolution to start here (not only here, but that subject is pretty much taboo right now). some days of copying texts of my little black moleskine wait me - yeah, i haven't only been out in the sun enjoying the laziness of the summer.

1:40 PM 0 comments

 

August 14, 2008

on family, friends and flaws

it is said that the family is the friends god gives us, while friends are the family of our own choice. sometimes we do pick up the wrong friends; we all know that. but the choices of god, despite his considerable powers and vision, are not without flaw either.

8:09 PM 1 comments

 

let's dub the "a-team" again, mate?*

added on the right link bar (actually that's the only link bar i have around here, so i don't know why on earth i keep calling it the "right bar") the blog of one of my best friends: pedro, who is undergoing not the most pleasant of the situations (visit the blog and if anyone feel that can be helpful, please, do so). anyway, he is probably the funniest guy i've ever met, so as far as i know, he's keeping his spirit high. and the blog is very nice, definetely worth reading. keep up, man! i'll get you some more episodes of "the a-team" for you to dub* :)

pedro, i'm with you man. poke me whenever you need this old bastard around.


*this is, obviously, a private joke. one of my best ones.

2:35 PM 0 comments

 

seasoning

i was the spring, the season of rebirth. of awakening. i witnessed the growth of the flowers and the return of the sweet scents of life that draw out the dufiful bees and the joyful butterflies alike, in search of spring flavours. i was the comforting sun that turned the dry wastelands into verdant fields where all the colours became possible. i was the warm rain that stirred the life out of its earther winter hideout. i was the wind that washed away the last traces of the long and cold winter, while making musinc with the green leaves.

i was the summer, burning alive with the warmth of the sun. i was the joy of discovery, the consciousness of life, the euphoria of the crashing waves upon shores of sand and stone. i was the fiery wind that pushes life into the water, and i was the mild summer nights that seem to never end. i was each of the countless stars shining in the black skies, and i was the pale moon that draws the lovers out.

you were the fall, the herald of woe that makes its way through the crimson euphoria of the falling leaves. you were the distant sun that no longer warms the good earth. that gives way to gray skies. to cold wind. to the first drops of rain, tears of heaven for the greatest loss of all. you were the slow decay of an once green world, slowly being overtaken by shadows. you were the first thunderstorm that scatters the birds away and pushes the creatures of the earth to their lairs. you, you were the last struggle of the once green fields, withering under a dying season.

and you were the winder, cold and cruel and unforgiving. you were the armies of darkness blown by the bitter wind, leaving nothing alive in their wake. you were the storm that thunders in the revolving skies, the blizzard that coves everything with a blanket of frozen death. you were the avatar of winter, restless and merciless, your darkness taking over the daylight in a battle without winners. you were the uncaring whim that destroyed everything and left nothing alive but a faint hope of rebirth that struggles for life and light under a cover of death and darkness.

2:38 AM 0 comments

 

August 12, 2008

hasta la vista, baby!

since holidays ar still going on in my very own sphere of hell, i'll leave this blog more or less out-of-date for the next days. in the meanwhile, though, and just in case someone pops up to see if i've posted something recently, i'll leave here this link for a very funny fail post.
have fun :)
(these holidays without internet are going to ruin my post counting stats, i tell you)

11:23 PM 0 comments

 

August 04, 2008

fail!

a holiday suggestion, recommended by tito: the fail blog (http://failblog.org). go there and have fun!

(will add it to the right menu whenever i can be arsed to dig into the template)

4:12 PM 0 comments

 

uncomfortable

it was not shame, it was not embarassment, and yet it felt so... uncomfortable. it was something that happened before, more times than it should have happened, with the very same people. and yet it felt different that time, as if there was something between us, as if it was something that they weren't supposed to see. i don't know, it might well be my regular paranoia. but it was odd, quite odd.

3:21 PM 0 comments

 

holidays' journal #1

. this year it has been faster than it usually is - took me less that twenty-four hours to get bored as hell for being in my homeland. on the other hand, my allergy took forty-eight hours to blow my nose down to the sixth sphere of hell.

. after three days and too much alcohol, i can't understand what i do miss the most: the city, or the city with her.

. i'm royally pissed with my cellphone operator. those guys can turn the most simple issue into a tangle of thorny vines.

. it's freaking hot down here.

3:07 PM 4 comments

 

August 02, 2008

watchman

one of the things that amuses me the most is to lay back and watch those around me - and see how they change as time goes by, and as they embrace values, principles and attitudes that they used to fiercely refuse. it's funny to hear "i'd never do such a thing" at some point, and wait a couple of weeks, months, years even, to see it all twisted upside down, and that big yellow smile when we face them with their very own change. i mean, there's nothing wrong with change. everyone changes, thankfully - some for the best, others for the worst, but a change is a change, and as bad as it might be, at least it's something different, for a change. no, there's nothing wrong with the change itself; but there's everything wrong with the denial.

1:23 AM 0 comments

 

August 01, 2008

shining a light

i will forever thank you for shining a light for me. for making me feel different, for a change. for remembering me how does it feel like to be a believer, to be faithful, as if everything were to ee perfect. i will forever thank you for showing me a different side of life, different way of being here, and to breathe the life back to me. and i shall be forever thankful for it not being right. for now, at least, for we never know what the future shall unfold before our eyes.

2:58 AM 0 comments

 

shattered walls

there are moments where we ask someone - literally - to shatter our dreams. but not only to shatter those dreams, but to break them bluntly and violently, without mercy or pity. and whet it happens we realize that we have never felt as good as in that moment. because we feel right, we feel so right, as if we'd understoond that those spoken words are correct, without any mistake or misconception. and if we'd would understood that those words, as sad and destroying as they might be, have a sense and a meaning that nothing else has ever had for us.

2:52 AM 0 comments

 

chaos will always prevail. it is better organized.

thoughts and chaos by

  • john raynes
  • [ jeraynes[at]gmail[dot]com ]

present past:

  • suicide note
  • euphoria and broken glass
  • tear drop
  • requiem for lothorethiel
  • self-inflicted pain
  • the girls we followed home
  • untamed
  • the stand alone friend

guest stars:

  • anonymous
  • delerium14
  • alice
  • shelyra
  • jill
  • virginia

second home:

  • jardim de micróbios
  • viagem a andrómeda

friends:

  • Damn, life, you scary!
  • era um manual de instruções, por favor
  • hoje voltei a ver
  • i'm just killing time
  • lady chatterley
  • tudo e nada

personal favourites:

  • a lei seca
  • aurea mediocritas
  • complexidade e contradição
  • locus amoenus
  • ouriquense
  • postsecret
  • the tugboat complex
  • vontade indómita

early morning laughs:

  • bug comic
  • sinfest
  • xkcd

politically speaking:

  • blasfemias
  • delito de opinião
  • estado sentido
  • o insurgente
  • portugal dos pequeninos
  • 31 da armada

outside world:

  • a forum of ice and fire
  • dead air space

recent chaos:

  • Eulogy
  • Spaceport
  • Lifeless
  • Undertow
  • Smoke and mirrors
  • Mistakes
  • Cast no shadow
  • Love will tear us apart
  • Lady Winter
  • Music doesn't really get any better than this

the past (un)perfect:

  • October 2005
  • November 2005
  • December 2005
  • January 2006
  • February 2006
  • March 2006
  • April 2006
  • May 2006
  • June 2006
  • July 2006
  • August 2006
  • September 2006
  • October 2006
  • November 2006
  • December 2006
  • January 2007
  • February 2007
  • March 2007
  • April 2007
  • May 2007
  • June 2007
  • July 2007
  • August 2007
  • September 2007
  • October 2007
  • November 2007
  • December 2007
  • January 2008
  • February 2008
  • March 2008
  • April 2008
  • May 2008
  • June 2008
  • July 2008
  • August 2008
  • September 2008
  • October 2008
  • November 2008
  • December 2008
  • January 2009
  • February 2009
  • March 2009
  • April 2009
  • May 2009
  • June 2009
  • July 2009
  • August 2009
  • September 2009
  • October 2009
  • November 2009
  • December 2009
  • January 2010
  • February 2010
  • March 2010
  • April 2010
  • May 2010
  • June 2010
  • July 2010
  • August 2010
  • September 2010
  • October 2010
  • November 2010
  • December 2010
  • January 2011
  • February 2011
  • March 2011
  • April 2011
  • May 2011
  • June 2011
  • July 2011
  • August 2011
  • September 2011
  • October 2011
  • November 2011
  • December 2011
  • January 2012
  • February 2012
  • March 2012
  • April 2012
  • May 2012
  • June 2012
  • July 2012
  • September 2012
  • December 2012

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