thoughts in chaos

long is the way and hard that out of hell leads up to the light. [john milton] the end is in the beginning and yet we go on. [samuel beckett]


October 31, 2008

late night inspiration?

gee. this has been long overdue.

why do i have a feeling that my usual chronicles of the last and the first day of the year will be even more depressing that they usually are this year?

i've wrote that on my moleskine some days ago. for those who do not know: some years ago i was alone in the end of the year and, as i was walking by the river (not in lisbon; i was not living there yet) with my notebook and a pen. december 31st, gray day, cold as hell, and i was out there alone, feeling completely blue. had my notebook and a red-ink pen with me. naturally, i sat down and wrote. wrote about that day, and the days before, and about how silly was the year that was about to be over. tried to feel excited for it to be over - i really did - but failed, and failed miserably. wrote a sad bunch of words, full of anger and hatred and frustration and sorrow. especially sorrow, since it's the only feeling that truly lasts within me. night came, went home and had the usual family party. weee. i was the epitome of happiness. returned to the riverside in the following day, in the first day of the year. sat in the same spot, with the same notebook and the same pen. and wrote again, and sorrowful again. 

and it became an habit, you know, of starting to write something in the last day of the year only to finish it in the first day of the next year. did it every year after that, except for the last new year's eve - i was too drunk and too merry to think, let alone to write. but i will surely do it again this year (and the next). and that's my bet: it will be more depressing than ever before. 

it has to.

4:09 AM 0 comments

 

i should rename myself to 'holden caulfield'

really. we all like to read. we all have a favourite book, and a favourite character (not necessarily in the same book). sometimes we find ourselves similar to this or that fictional charater in this trait or in that way of thinking. but i tell you, there has never been a greater similarity between reader and character than me and holden caulfield, the troubled teenager of the brilliant the catcher in the rye, by j.d.salinger. i've read it again, and i think it has hit me even harder. we are so alike, me and holden. the same tricks to escape from reality. the same feverish imagination, revealing itself in the oddest ways. the same anger against a phony world, while we are as phony as that world we so much hate. the same tendency to self-destruction. the same delusions about life. the same yellowness. the same carelessness. i swear, if anyone ever asks me again "i'd like to know you better", i'll give him or her the book. and wait for the reaction. 
[post edited due to too much misspelling, to mych typos: shitty hour to write, i tell you. and i bet i haven't got'em all.]

4:00 AM 0 comments

 

out of time (II)

and about the post below: no, i don't believe age is the most important thing in an emotional affair. one of the elements of the couple can be older, sometimes much older than the other, and everything can be smooth and perfect. truth be told, it's not a matter of body, but of mind; and what evens the equation in every relationship is the maturity of both people. forget about age, love, social or economic contexts: rich or poor, from new york city or sabóia, being cutchi-cutchi or an ice queen/king, what matters is the maturity. 

and the (quality of the) sex, of course, but let's not get into that now. another day i'll share something with you about that subject.

i do not believe, however, in a relationship in which the woman is older than the man. i mean much older, more than four years older (i'm being optimistic here). one year is okay. two, acceptable. three, and someone is letting betrayal in sooner or later. four.... and we get into the realm of impossibility. really, look around: how many relationships in which he is more than five years younger than she do you know? there might be a lot of reasons for that, some of them scientific and all, but i'm not up to google that right now. what i know is, it would never work with me. and that's one of the few things i'm pretty sure about my life.

3:41 AM 1 comments

 

out of time

that's my problem, i'm far too slow. i'll tell you now about this woman i've met some days ago, easily one of the sexiest women i've ever met. the funny part: she was the one who started talking to me (i'd not dare, not in a million years). good conversation. very good conversation, actually, about nothing and everything and a little bit of this and that. nice blue eyes, well framed by the blonde hair. the ironic smile completed the picture, and a little detail that came out along the conversation - that her favourite music band was muse - was the cherry over all that cream. but, remember, i said above i was out of time. and i truly was: she was older than me (how older i know not, since i seldom ask a woman how old is she, especially if she's sexy - learned that at my own expenses, mind you), far older than me, and, as far as i understood from the conversation, almost married. again, out of time. this shit is genetic, i tell you.

3:34 AM 0 comments

 

October 30, 2008

mtv

i've quit porn a while ago. now whenever i'm feeling randy at night, i turn on mtv. no kidding. i get to see naked girls shaking their butts and their boobs, and i get music on the top of it. perfect.

said by a friend, some nights ago. it's sad but true; and i still remember the time when mtv was a music channel. god bless vh1.

6:47 PM 0 comments

 

notes from madrid

1. lisbon is cold in this time of the year? forget about it: madrid was far colder. and rainy. and yet, it's nice to see that the cold and the rain doesn't keep spanish girls from wearing short skirts. 

2. as a matter of fact, i've found spanish girls quite pretty, elegant and sophisticated. think i know where i'll go whenever i get time and money again.

3. as soon as the i get into the van that would take me from the airport to the hotel, the driver turns on the radio, which was airing heroes del silencio. can't imagine a better welcome to spain.

4. the city, from the little i could see of it, is beautiful. it has nice pubs. it has nice, tradicional places where one can taste regional food. and it was delicious. however, my portuguese guts didn't like it as much as my portuguese taste. as a result i got a sleepless, feverish night, getting up every hour to throw up. oh well. at least i could remember how does it feel like to throw up while being sober. it has been a while, after all.

4. spent the night with a spanish friend (david) and his french girl friend. i spoke always in portuguese (even though my tongue kept sliping to "portuguish"). they spoke always in french. had no problems of communication whatsoever. the trick is to pay attention, and to speak slowly. 

5. the strange case of dr. jekyll and mr. hyde and the catcher in the rye: (re)read them both during the trip (two days). had forgotten how brilliant is the tale of jekyll and hide, really.

6. have i mentioned the spanish girls already? oh, god. i might have come back with a sore belly, but i loved madrid.

6:27 PM 1 comments

 

October 27, 2008

blog update

happy now, lady chatterley?
(things that i do for a girl, really..!)
yeah, i know this blog has not been updated as regularly as it used to be, but now i have less free time... and the excitement around world of warcraft has been building up again. oh well. had some more posts ready to be placed here, but will leave them for thursday, i suppose. *

11:19 PM 1 comments

 

on opportunities

when you want something, the best way to get it is often the most direct one. but sometimes acting in such a straightforward is not an option, and so one must think about alternative ways, and take all the opportunities avaliable. and sometimes those opportunities happen by pure chance, and we must have our eyes open and do not hesitate when they present themselves to us. so the first step has been taken. it was not the obvious approach, but my days as knight-in-shiny-armour are long since gone - thus, riding into that would be plain stupid (or not, but i'm not going to be the one trying it anyway). let's see where will i get from here.

11:16 PM 0 comments

 

smoke curtain

one of the most efficient ways of getting out of trouble is not to find a good excuse, but to create a smoke curtain. in other words: before your adversary has the time to start bashing you, make a diversion by talking about something completely different that might be of his and her interest, or of someone else's interest. and then let it build up, let everyone start talking about it, and quietly drift away from the conversation. unless you have fucked up big time... it will work.

11:14 PM 0 comments

 

October 22, 2008

barking

there's no need to bark to keep me away. i'm not going to make any move right now. 

8:30 PM 0 comments

 

October 18, 2008

gravity (or how god sleeps with his eyes open)

especially when we spit to the air. you know, what goes up will always come down. some people, however, can be stubborn enough to never learn this simple lesson. i remember this girl from my homeland, for example, who used to find it incredible how could someone - me, in this case - live in lisbon. because it was too messy, too stressfull, too dangerous. well, it is messy, definetily. it is somewhat dangerous, depending on the zones, on the time of the day (or night) and, mostly, on one's luck. i've never found lisbon stressfull though. it might be just me, for i seldom feel stressed - there are few things that can freak me out, and none of them is present here in the city (ironically enough, a weekend in the village can stress me more than two months here in lisbon; all it takes is a little push, and a bad choice of words, really). 

anyway. i remember a conversation - a very funny one - i've had with this girl some six years ago, before i moved to lisbon. we studied in the same school, even though not in the same class. it was her first year in that school, while it would be my last - and this happened in june, which means those were my last days in the high school. we leaved near each other, so after leaving the bus we usually walked together till some point, and this time she started talking with me by asking:

she: so, john, how old are you?
me: hum, eighteen.
she: eighteen? then you're already starting your driving lessons.
(note this wasn't a question)
me: well, no, actually i'm not.
she (surprised): you aren't? how's that possible? you're eighteen, you're supposed to start it!
me: see, i'm going to lisbon in september, to the university. can't afford it all. besides, driving license is not important while i'm studing there.
she: well... you're the one who knows your priorities i guess. *rolls eyes*


of course, many people from my homeland have talked to me about life in lisbon - she included. none of them has ever been here for more than two days, but they all seem to have quite a clear idea about it. and often that idea is as clear as it is wrong. this girl, for example, used to say that she would never come to lisbon, that she hated the place, that she would never be able to adapt herself to the life here. now, according the my "theories of denial", guess where she is studying and living now?

do not mess with gravity. it always has the last laugh.

2:53 PM 1 comments

 

bodysnatchers

i do not
understand
what it is
i've done wrong
full of holes
check for pulse
blink your eyes
one for yes
two for no

i have no idea what iam talking about
i'm trapped in this body and can't get out
ooooohhhh

make a sound
move back home
pale imitation
with the edges
sawn off

i have no idea what you are talking about
your mouth moves only with someone's hand up your ass
ooooohhhh

has the light gone out for you?
cause the light's gone for me
it is the 21st century
it is the 21st century
it can follow you like a dog
it brought me to my knees
they got a skin and they put me in
they got a skin and they put me in
all the lies run around my face
all the lies run around my face
and for anyone else to see
and for anyone else to see

i'm alive

i've seen it coming

radiohead [in rainbows (cd1) #2] bodysnatchers

12:44 AM 0 comments

 

October 17, 2008

riddles in the dark

the words written almost one year ago are true now. it took them a while, though - i remember when i wrote them, all the effort i made to believe those words. they were true to a degree, but not entirely. there was a voice inside of my head whispering in the shadows, muttering the truth i didn't want to hear. but i heard it. i ended up hearing it. and i was damned for it. 

now, at last, they are true. the riddles in the dark are no longer important, the mutterings of the shadows became non-sense. now, every single word writen in that forgotten letter make sense. it was about damn time.

4:33 PM 0 comments

 

phylosophy out of a friend's messenger nickname (XXV)

can't go back to the place where i used to be. sometimes we cannot, that's true. but sometimes we can; the question is, do we really want to? i doubt it. i wouldn't want it, anyway. there is a reason for me not to be there any more, after all. that place you mention might be a place where you were happy, where everything was well, where you had to worry about nothing. but it's no longer like that, you know? now that place is empty, as an hold home you've left because you needed some place bigger for all your stuff. it no longer means happiness; between its walls only the memories survived. memories of that time of happiness, a time that shall never return. going back there would bring no joy, only sadness, a deep sadness for your loss. and the present is sad enough as it is. let the past remain where it belongs: buried by the sands of time.

3:49 PM 1 comments

 

haunted

her name haunts me, and it is not only her name any more. it's everyone's name, every face from my past and from my future answers by that small, once meaningless word. it comes crashing down shaped like a loose piece of my past that never belonged there. it haunts me when i dream awake, revealing itself through impossible possibilities. it invades my inner worlds, the ones it should never invade. a siren's call, a song out of darkness pulling me towards the abyss. and above all, regret. 

9:56 AM 0 comments

 

dead air space

12:19 AM 0 comments

 

October 12, 2008

ceasefire

ceasefire and peace are not the same thing. a ceasefire is merely a moment when one is allowed to sleep with only one eye opened.

8:20 PM 0 comments

 

October 10, 2008

wary

i'm well aware of the stereotype that considers games - like videogames, board games, trading card games or miniature games - to be childish, regardless of the huge ammnt of adults who play them. as such, adult players are often considered immature and geek. well, i told you it was a stereotype.

anyway, as some of you might know, i'm a player of several games myself. and while i wouldn't say i could be accounted as immature, childish or geek, i have no doubt that i've learned a lot with games throughout my life. videogames in my early teenage years shown me new worlds, and later on, the famous trading card game magic: the gathering introduced me to many things that are a big part of me nowadays, like fantasy literature (go read urza's storyline and tell me if that ain't good). the funny thing is, i didn't start to play magic because of the game itself - which is very interesting - but rather because of the artwork displayed in the cards, by great artists like john avon, matthew d. wilson, rk post, brom, donato giancolla, daren bader, ciruelo, mark zug, rebecca guay.... and many others i can't recall right now (quit the game four years ago); google them, and you'll see what i mean.

another funny thing about magic: the gathering's cards is, some of them have a flavour text below the text explaining the card's rules. most of times, the flavour text gives hints about the plot, either by describing scenes and events, or by directly quoting characters. older cards could feature quotations taken from famous "real-life" works by shakespeare for example, but this was already rather uncommon during my time as player. alternatively, some cards might feature a random, anonymous aphorism. and some of them are very good actually. like the following:

the cautious are wary of their enemies. the wise are also wary of their friends.

which was introduced in the card cephalid snitch.

sounds oddly appropriated, hum?

10:56 PM 0 comments

 

October 09, 2008

all wasted on the eastern front

time, as ever, has proved me right. even sooner than what i could anticipate. some apologies should be following now, right? wrong. as it seems, i'm not worthy of apologies, not when i'm as good as target for all the bitterness inside, heh? so what we have instead of apologies? oh, that's right: pretty much the good'old bashing, the same arrogance, the same thoughtless agression. and that for no reason. i don't get it. i mean, i can understand the idea of waging war, some battles must be fought. but to make an enemy out of a friend just for the fuck of it, come on... that's not only silly, it's also plain stupid.

12:02 AM 1 comments

 

October 08, 2008

all quiet on the western front

i told you i wouldn't break this time. and i intend to stay true to my word. everything else was long overdue, even though intentions are not yet clear. as it seems, some slight yet fundamental differences demand some clarification, but i would really hate to have to explain it all. for it would be painful, and to be honest, one hell of a waste of time.

11:48 PM 0 comments

 

surrendering

between you and me, there was no farewell. no goodbye. only an ethereal promise (?) of seeing each other again one day, when all the odds might well be against it. and so what has never started comes to an end, in a tasteless, final act that brings no memories, no joy and no sorrow. let it rest in peace that way.

11:46 PM 0 comments

 

dead star

stars.

stars do not wane into oblivion, their glow does not fade away into the darkness. when their death is near, stars consume themselves from within, shining stronger and stronger as they spin towards their doom. and they go out with a bang, a silent bang in the outer space that scatters their radiance and their power through the universe, into a supernova of shards of light and burned-out fire. perhaps this is what's happening now. perhaps it is what has been happening lately: a once shining star is consuming itself and burning everything in it's wake as it slowly dies. it will end with a blast, and it will leave a gap in the void. but it will fade away - and from the scattered light of the supernova, some new stars might be born.

let's hope this is not wishful thinking.

11:41 PM 0 comments

 

October 05, 2008

looking back in anger

as it seems, i'm doomed to be hit by my past. even here, one of the last hideouts i should have, for it is one of the few places without memories painted in its walls. i know of the taint that lies everywhere else. i know what memories are recorded in every inch of land i have walked. and i can't get rid of that, i can never simply walk away. i thought i was safe there. i really thought. it was a brand new world, after all. but reality - always that bloodsucking bitch - decided to play games on me again. oh well. as it seems, the last place i have free of visions and ghosts is a small, dark pub in a forgotten alley. it's not too bad. at least there the whisky is good, and there is always someone to talk to even if i go there on my own. i guess the only trouble is the way to get there, deep into contested land. but that cannot be avoided; i have to go on walking with my hands on the trigger, until i can finally vanish to some place where i can walk freely without ever looking back.

12:16 PM 0 comments

 

reality check

i hate when i get a reality check. you know what i mean: when you so want something to happen - either good or bad, it's irrelevant - and reality proves you wrong, showing once again that you are of no consequence for the natural order of things. and you have no choice but to break, but to surrender to the facts that prove your defeat. what a pain in the ass.

12:15 PM 0 comments

 

working condition:

i'm the blind guy between a deaf and a mute. 

12:14 PM 0 comments

 

October 01, 2008

punchbag

what i hate about you is your haste in judging everyone by your standards - which are obviously flawed, even if you're the only one who can't see it. i hate that pride of yours that make you believe your choices are always the right ones, and everyone else's decisions are worth shit. i hate the way you look down on everyone every time you don't agree with them, not bothering to listen to them for some unfathomable reason. and i hate the way you're ruining everything over a misdirected anger and a misdirected frustration that happen to see me as their best target. but i'm sorry, i'm not gonna be a mere punchbag for you to vent your anger and your frustration. that's not friendship, after all, and besides, i could do very well without another liability upon my shoulders, thank you very much. 

11:26 AM 0 comments

 

scrimmage of fools (II)

i can't say if this was the second, the third or the fifteenth attack - guess i've lost count by now. but i can say it was the last time i allowed you to walk forward and get into my territory. next time you try such a stunt, you'll taste what retribution is all about. i'll be reckless and merciless, the counterattack will be vicious, and i'll left nothing standing in my wake.

1:02 AM 0 comments

 

chaos will always prevail. it is better organized.

thoughts and chaos by

  • john raynes
  • [ jeraynes[at]gmail[dot]com ]

present past:

  • suicide note
  • euphoria and broken glass
  • tear drop
  • requiem for lothorethiel
  • self-inflicted pain
  • the girls we followed home
  • untamed
  • the stand alone friend

guest stars:

  • anonymous
  • delerium14
  • alice
  • shelyra
  • jill
  • virginia

second home:

  • jardim de micróbios
  • viagem a andrómeda

friends:

  • Damn, life, you scary!
  • era um manual de instruções, por favor
  • hoje voltei a ver
  • i'm just killing time
  • lady chatterley
  • tudo e nada

personal favourites:

  • a lei seca
  • aurea mediocritas
  • complexidade e contradição
  • locus amoenus
  • ouriquense
  • postsecret
  • the tugboat complex
  • vontade indómita

early morning laughs:

  • bug comic
  • sinfest
  • xkcd

politically speaking:

  • blasfemias
  • delito de opinião
  • estado sentido
  • o insurgente
  • portugal dos pequeninos
  • 31 da armada

outside world:

  • a forum of ice and fire
  • dead air space

recent chaos:

  • Eulogy
  • Spaceport
  • Lifeless
  • Undertow
  • Smoke and mirrors
  • Mistakes
  • Cast no shadow
  • Love will tear us apart
  • Lady Winter
  • Music doesn't really get any better than this

the past (un)perfect:

  • October 2005
  • November 2005
  • December 2005
  • January 2006
  • February 2006
  • March 2006
  • April 2006
  • May 2006
  • June 2006
  • July 2006
  • August 2006
  • September 2006
  • October 2006
  • November 2006
  • December 2006
  • January 2007
  • February 2007
  • March 2007
  • April 2007
  • May 2007
  • June 2007
  • July 2007
  • August 2007
  • September 2007
  • October 2007
  • November 2007
  • December 2007
  • January 2008
  • February 2008
  • March 2008
  • April 2008
  • May 2008
  • June 2008
  • July 2008
  • August 2008
  • September 2008
  • October 2008
  • November 2008
  • December 2008
  • January 2009
  • February 2009
  • March 2009
  • April 2009
  • May 2009
  • June 2009
  • July 2009
  • August 2009
  • September 2009
  • October 2009
  • November 2009
  • December 2009
  • January 2010
  • February 2010
  • March 2010
  • April 2010
  • May 2010
  • June 2010
  • July 2010
  • August 2010
  • September 2010
  • October 2010
  • November 2010
  • December 2010
  • January 2011
  • February 2011
  • March 2011
  • April 2011
  • May 2011
  • June 2011
  • July 2011
  • August 2011
  • September 2011
  • October 2011
  • November 2011
  • December 2011
  • January 2012
  • February 2012
  • March 2012
  • April 2012
  • May 2012
  • June 2012
  • July 2012
  • September 2012
  • December 2012

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