thoughts in chaos

long is the way and hard that out of hell leads up to the light. [john milton] [life] is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. [shakespeare]


January 31, 2011

No winners

After so many years, the defeat is nigh, seemingly inevitable. There are no winners though; not all the battles include victory. In this case, it is only the defeat, the utter defeat that for so long I thought I had strenght of will enough to avoid. I guess that, once again, I was completely wrong.

8:31 PM 0 comments

 

January 29, 2011

Prelude and epilogue

I randomly - randomly? - led myself to the archives, seeking for clues to solve a mistery that, solved or not, won't change. The first thing that I noticed was that there are no records of the ending. There is the prelude, the long, multi-layered preluded that built into the downfall. There is a short epilogue, an attempt to do God knows what. But of the ending itself, there is no trace. And I cannot remember it. It's just as if had never happened, as if the prelude led straight to the epilogue, and whatever there was in between was lost forever, an ending never told, never known. There is a date, a specific day, but of that day little memories remain, and those who do have nothing to do with that event. The words recorded in the archives give me no insight. The same questions unanswered before the fall remain unanswered today. Like I said: it wouldn't matter if the answers were found. Once the prelude of the end began, it was already too late.

3:09 PM 0 comments

 

January 27, 2011

The delusion (yet again)

I wonder how long it will last this time.

9:02 PM 0 comments

 

January 19, 2011

That I should find something that I like so much now among the rubble of days gone by is in many ways ironic. But it is also a relief to know I can enjoy it without memories of any kind lurking in the dark.

11:00 PM 0 comments

 

The good advice

I should remember his advice, given freely so long ago. It was a very simple one, a very obvious one - and so far, the best advice that anyone has ever given me. It had no depht, no second meanings, no sugar-coated words. It was blunt, as all good advice is - blunt, dry, accurate. And above all, true. It shown how much he knew about me, and about life, and how he had foreseen a point where me and life would clash heads on. So he told me: drop that. I remember grinning then, but now, almost four years after that day, I finally do understand its true meaning, and I can appreciate its real value.

9:45 PM 0 comments

 

January 15, 2011

The game of life

Far too many times I've taken things for granted, which, as you are all well aware of, is the swiftest course towards disappointment. Thus I find it hard nowadays to be sure of things to come: they might, and they might not. When they do depend solely on our own actions or will, we can compromise ourselves in order to reach or accomplish them; shall things go astray, the failure is ours alone to bear. But when they do depend on other's will or resources, how can we be sure? How can we bet, if we know not the odds nor the price to pay? I decided not to play a long time ago, as the memory of that day still haunts me. In a way, I do admire people who still held their belief high, that can so strongly convince themselves that it seems that Fate itself has no choice but to bend before their will; and yet I find my darkest self sometimes wishing for their doom.

9:20 PM 0 comments

 

January 09, 2011

A song out of darkness

8:58 PM 2 comments

 

It might as well be a new year's resolution, as uncanny as it might be for one. Even considering that such resolutions are seldom reasonable, let alone fulfilled.

8:52 PM 0 comments

 

January 05, 2011

The english language:

Philippines, Singapore, Malaysia, Russia, South Africa, Egypt, Israel, Romania, Slovakia, Poland, Belgium, Norway, Denmark, United Kingdom, Spain, Portugal (obviously), Uruguay, United States, Canada. This blog is read in all these countries, apparentely. My portuguese blog is read mostly in Southern/Western European countries, Brazil, and the Portuguese-speaking African countries (and by a friend in Thailand. Thank god for the English language.

john

1:35 PM 4 comments

 

January 04, 2011

Statistically speaking, my life is one big blog

Seven years blogging. Eight different blogs: some of them closed a long time ago, others running under the sun, others in utter darkness. A wild guess: more than five thousand blog entries over seven years. Rounded up, it makes two entries per day since the end of 2003. There was a time when I wanted to be a writter. It's a downgrade, I know, but I suppose that I've made it to blogger. Could be worse.

11:50 PM 0 comments

 

Ruled by secrecy

I've hesitated a long time, but in the end I did the right choice. It would be pointless to fuel a fire that has been put out a long time ago. Of couse, I can always wonder what point there is in writing it for no one to read it - and, more important, to write it when I know that who would understand won't read it. No point, I suppose. Some things are meant only for us; and as much as we feel like sharing them, ultimately it will accomplish nothing. Another time, maybe; right now, all I need is not to write or think or feel, but to sleep.

11:19 PM 0 comments

 

January 01, 2011

New year's resolution

No, no, I'm not going to undertake big projects, like a more balanced diet (meaning more vegetables), quit smoking, physical exercise, etc. If any of those things happen during 2011, then they'll happen - they're not a project or one of those new year's decisions, full of good intentions that eventually end up where all good intentions end. My decision for 2011 is quite a simple one: to ask all the friends to whom I've lent books to return them to me. As far as I can remember, there's seven books out there somewhere, they've been so for a while, and it's time for them to return home. For no reason: I just need to figure out whether I do need to buy new bookshelves.

(the blog is still under automatic updates, as right now I'm probably suffering one hell of a hang-over. I'll be back soon)

3:39 PM 2 comments

 

chaos will always prevail. it is better organized.

thoughts and chaos by

  • john raynes
  • [ jeraynes[at]gmail[dot]com ]

present past:

  • suicide note
  • euphoria and broken glass
  • tear drop
  • requiem for lothorethiel
  • self-inflicted pain
  • the girls we followed home
  • untamed
  • the stand alone friend

guest stars:

  • anonymous
  • delerium14
  • alice
  • shelyra
  • jill
  • virginia

second home:

  • jardim de micróbios
  • viagem a andrómeda

friends:

  • Damn, life, you scary!
  • era um manual de instruções, por favor
  • hoje voltei a ver
  • i'm just killing time
  • lady chatterley
  • tudo e nada

personal favourites:

  • a lei seca
  • aurea mediocritas
  • complexidade e contradição
  • locus amoenus
  • ouriquense
  • postsecret
  • the tugboat complex
  • vontade indómita

early morning laughs:

  • bug comic
  • sinfest
  • xkcd

politically speaking:

  • blasfemias
  • delito de opinião
  • estado sentido
  • o insurgente
  • portugal dos pequeninos
  • 31 da armada

outside world:

  • a forum of ice and fire
  • dead air space

recent chaos:

  • Eulogy
  • Spaceport
  • Lifeless
  • Undertow
  • Smoke and mirrors
  • Mistakes
  • Cast no shadow
  • Love will tear us apart
  • Lady Winter
  • Music doesn't really get any better than this

the past (un)perfect:

  • October 2005
  • November 2005
  • December 2005
  • January 2006
  • February 2006
  • March 2006
  • April 2006
  • May 2006
  • June 2006
  • July 2006
  • August 2006
  • September 2006
  • October 2006
  • November 2006
  • December 2006
  • January 2007
  • February 2007
  • March 2007
  • April 2007
  • May 2007
  • June 2007
  • July 2007
  • August 2007
  • September 2007
  • October 2007
  • November 2007
  • December 2007
  • January 2008
  • February 2008
  • March 2008
  • April 2008
  • May 2008
  • June 2008
  • July 2008
  • August 2008
  • September 2008
  • October 2008
  • November 2008
  • December 2008
  • January 2009
  • February 2009
  • March 2009
  • April 2009
  • May 2009
  • June 2009
  • July 2009
  • August 2009
  • September 2009
  • October 2009
  • November 2009
  • December 2009
  • January 2010
  • February 2010
  • March 2010
  • April 2010
  • May 2010
  • June 2010
  • July 2010
  • August 2010
  • September 2010
  • October 2010
  • November 2010
  • December 2010
  • January 2011
  • February 2011
  • March 2011
  • April 2011
  • May 2011
  • June 2011
  • July 2011
  • August 2011
  • September 2011
  • October 2011
  • November 2011
  • December 2011
  • January 2012
  • February 2012
  • March 2012
  • April 2012
  • May 2012
  • June 2012
  • July 2012
  • September 2012
  • December 2012

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