thoughts in chaos

long is the way and hard that out of hell leads up to the light. [john milton] the mystery of love is greater than the mystery of death. [oscar wilde]


November 28, 2008

on characters: pictures

some of the characters i will eventually talk about. from left to right, top row: sarah kerrigan, from the videogame starcraft, written by chris metzen; frodo baggins, from the lord of the rings, written by j.r.r.tolkien; rorschach, from watchmen, by alan moore and dave gibbons. bottom row: urza planeswalker, from magic: the gathering; rick deckard, either from the book do androids dream of electric sheep?, written by philip k. dick, or from the movie blade runner, directed by ridley scott; and neo, from the movie the matrix, directed by the wachowsky brothers (larry and andy). note that frodo, deckard and neo in the pictures are characters interpreted in the movies by elijah wood, harrison ford and keanu reaves, respectively.

not in the picture because i couldn't find any decent image of them are holden caulfield, the protagonist of j.d.salinger's the catcher in the rye, and jule, one of the psions in joan d. vinge's psion.

12:31 AM 0 comments

 

on characters

thinking about starting a series of posts here talking about characters. characters from books, comics, graphic novels, movies or games (yes, some games have lore better than many movies or novels, believe me). characters that have touched me in some way, that have inspired me, that have taken a seat within my mind never to leave. i'll get it started soon.

12:23 AM 0 comments

 

November 27, 2008

a farewell note

now you're free, old friend. free of the suffering inflicted upon your flesh and bones for your entire life. free of the unbearable sorrow that ate away your soul until the end. free to reach a better place, to rejoin with those who are long gone, to earn your well deserved peace. 

i'd lie if i said that seeing you go doesn't leave me sad, because it does, and that sadness, albeit tearless, is beyond any reasoning. oddly enough though, i'm also happy. happy for you, old friend, now beyond pain or sorrow. i'm proud of being there, of being there by your side until the end, knowing that my presence was the only joy your fading life was still delivering. it was little, too little from my part. i wish i had heard more from you. i wish i had known you better. i wish i had tried harder to break the walls of silence you'd built around you many years before i was even born. you are gone now, though; and gone with you are all the stories of a long and hard life, all the words never muttered not even to the passing wind. we think we always have time, until it is to late and we realize that no matter how long we live, we are always running out of time. but those words, those stories, they are still with you; as it is my face, the last known face you saw at the end of all the things. may you remember them, the stories and my face, for one day i shall be with you again, and i'll want to hear all the stories of the world that will be no longer ours then. 

farewell, my friend.

11:31 PM 0 comments

 

alone

when death comes, one is always alone. no matter in which side of death we are.

11:30 PM 0 comments

 

notes from prague: autumn

i've never been in a place like this before, where the ordinary is beautiful and the beautiful is absolutely breath-taking. pretty girls all over the place, the coolest pubs ever, no smoking ban (yet). a real autumn experience, one with crimson leaves and an inviting cool air. i had been told before that the city was awesome, but it definitely goes far beyong my imagination. and i can't decide whether the city is more beautiful under a bright blue sky or under a blanket of rain clouds.

11:29 PM 0 comments

 

cooldown

note to self: remember the cooldown, john. remember the cooldown.

11:16 PM 0 comments

 

a matter of pride

yes, my friend, i could try and put aside my pride, in order to try to make things right. but when a relationship is shattered, it can only be mended if both parts are willing to put some effort into it. in this particular situation, yes, i would have to put aside my pride, my anger, and the loathing that has found good earth within me to grow. to be honest, i'd be willing to do it if only it was worth the effort. but it isn't. and it isn't because the other part is not willing to give away is pride. the other part is not willing to apologize. for the other part, i'm the incarnation on the primeval evil walking the earth; so let me behave accordingly, and be damned for it if i have to. i never cared about being a good person anyway.

12:32 AM 0 comments

 

November 26, 2008

not quite envy

of all the deadly sins, there are two i seldom fall into: greed and envy. i don't usually fall into greed because, well, i never have any money anyway. and i've never been an envious person. i might get disappointed when someone gets something that we both wanted, but it is never because the other got it - the bitterness comes only from my own failure, not by someone else's success. but i get royally pissed when i see that success i so much wanted be wasted for futile reasons. now that really drives me mad. and that's not quite envy, i suppose.

8:41 PM 1 comments

 

whoever wants to explain, please, do so.

we're both thinking exactly the same, and we're both acting accordingly. the outcome, however, is different for both of us. which only proves that the different organisms react differently to the same stimuli. science explains, even though in this situation freud would be more appropriated.

8:39 PM 0 comments

 

school and sandwiches

father was driving by my first secondary school, and mother said "look, there's your old school". my answer couldn't be drier: "yeah, there it is". "what's that", she asked, "you've been there for three years. don't you miss it in any way?"

interesting question. aside the two riots in which i've had some participation (the first one, by smacking trash bins; the second one, by unlocking the school's back door and letting all my mates out when the local police locked the students into the school's premises), i don't long for the time i've spent in that school. i've had some "funny" classes (somehow half the bullies in the school ended up in my class, and thankfully they were all my friends), i made a bunch of friends there, and i've had a couple of teachers to remember (some for the best reasons, others for the worst). but in general terms i don't miss it, not as i miss my second secondary school - where i've met some of my current best friends, and where i've had the best teachers one can have. 

okay, there's one thing i do miss about my old secondary school: the tuna fish sandwiches. god, i've never eaten again tuna fish sandwiches as good as those. my ex's sandwiches were almost as good, but the bread there made all the difference. should have asked the recipe: that would have been the greater legacy i would have got from there. i didn't asked for it though, and as such, i left without anything, not even the ability to miss that distant time.

8:37 PM 0 comments

 

November 22, 2008

notes from prague: atmosphere

[note: i do know i should have posted the notes from prague several days ago, but a sudden trip to the world of the dead kept me from doing it. here they go, now]

atmosphere is a pub in prague, located in some dark cave by the street that, following side by side with the river, leads from the town hall to charles' bridge. i found it by pure chance during one of my random night walks around the city. 

you get in there, and you forget the touristic prague. i was the only tourist there - all the other customers (the pub was crowded) were czech boys and girls, some around my age, some older, some younger. the waitress is cute (as are most czech girls), and barely speaks english - i told you it is no touristic place (proof of that is not only the environment, but the prices as well - fairly cheap). 

atmosphere was the underworld. the true underworld. missed some company though, as i always do, someone to get struck into conversation, someone to share a beer with. i think share is the key word here. i travel a lot, and i never carry a camera, for if i get to feel the place (as i've felt rome and prague, for example), i'll remember all the pictures. but you know, it would be nice to share a moment, so we could be sitting side by side in the pub talking about what we were seeing or listening, or about anything else. it would cast away this odd, depressive feeling that lurks in the shadows. it's different during the day, you know. it was different during the day, when i walked around the city watching the spires, the streets, the astronomical clock, the people walking around. night is different, though. you might get used to it. to loneliness, i mean. it is perfectly possible to get used to it, but to get used to it is one thing, and enjoying it is another, and the difference between both is huge. 

3:40 PM 0 comments

 

three years

three years, hum? it should be about time for you then, no? pity that our timings are so different.

3:38 PM 0 comments

 

November 21, 2008

the smell of fresh oil still on my fingers

i retired. to mend cars. probably for the rest of my life. as i see it, part of the art of being a hero is knowing when you don't need to be one anymore, realizing that the game has changed and that the stakes are different and that there isn't necessarily a place for you in this strange new pantheon of extraordinary people. the world has moved on, and i'm content to watch it from my armchair with a beer by my side and the smell of fresh oil still on my fingers.

hollis mason, under the hood // by alan moore and dave gibbons, watchmen

a nice quote for my return to the world of the living, i suppose. it belongs to hollis mason's biography, titled under the hood. a fictional biography of a fictional character, both belonging to moore and gibbons' masterpiece, watchmen. 

watchmen is not comics. it's not literature either. it's something in between, and simultaneously it is even more than that. a true masterpiece, if i've ever had set my eyes upon on. 

and the question remains: who watches the watchmen?

9:35 PM 0 comments

 

November 18, 2008

this ain't yet forgotten. but everything came crashing down recently, and the time (and the will) to update the blog has grown thin. have a shitload of scattered notes and thoughts willing to jump to the online ether. tomorrow, maybe.

anyway, just to say i'm still alive.

8:56 PM 1 comments

 

November 11, 2008

finally, i get some time to update the blog. oddly enough, blogger's dashboard editor went berserk - and as such, i'm writing in "html mode", with no edition options. which is a shame, because i wanted to link a remarkable post i've found in another blog, and i can't. and because i would like to start posting my notes from prague (not necessarily about prague, though, the city is... inspiring, to say the least). well. no hyperlinks, no "justified" text alignment. posts delayed.

okay, this is odd: the text aligns itself automatically. heh.

3:06 PM 0 comments

 

November 09, 2008

timings

i find your timing funny, you know? but you shouldn't be the one playing hide and seek here.

5:41 PM 0 comments

 

November 08, 2008

alcohol

so now i know what fueled those words: alcohol. obviously. i should have known. 

12:41 PM 0 comments

 

November 07, 2008

the ressurected dead

infinite emptiness will be all around you, all the resurrected dead of all the ages wouldn't fill it (beckett, endgame). and yet they came, all the ressurected dead of all the ages, to fill my infinite emptiness. it shouldn't take me by surprise any more.

8:40 PM 0 comments

 

story (II)

brandi carlile, story (accousting version recorded @ mississippi studios, portland)

somehow this music got into my ears. it happened a while ago, actually; but only today i noticed its lyrics, and i surrendered to it, to the truth that was sang to my ears. to a truth i did know already: but these stories don't mean anything/when you've got no one to tell them to. and here it is, all my meaninglessness and futility revealed at last, in a beautiful song. god bless.

2:39 AM 0 comments

 

the black king

somehow i have a feeling that this text i once wrote makes now more sense than ever.

2:37 AM 0 comments

 

story

i took a ride to follow the path of satan, once the highest of angels in heaven, to be cast out to a hell of his own making, where he dwelt for the eternity, as lord and master of the damned. i did not know it then - limited as are, we seldom understand what happens until it has happened. alas, i do know it now; and even though i regret not the rebellion, i cannot avoid the bitterness brought by the impossibility of redemption. there was no redemption for the fallen cherub, as there will be no redemption for me. i'm on the other side, the dark side, the corrupted side. and it was all meant to happen, and it was all set into motion in one moment of recklessnes that i would still not avoid today if i were to be given the power of changing my deeds. for all the sorrow cannot cloud the unforgetable taste of heaven, of freedom, that was once felt by my lips. forgiveness, however,  does not belong to my side, but to heaven. and to heaven i can ascend no more.

2:14 AM 0 comments

 

November 06, 2008

a placebo does not heal, you know?

it is obvious that right now you want me nowhere near you. eventually, i've come to represent all that you loathe - and now, my mere shadow would threaten your "healing". it's funny to think that i have the power to shatter the foundations of your newfound world at will, isn't it? but that says more about you than about me, really. for it is a fact that i'm a negative person, pessimist, selfish, dark and without many beliefs; but the fact that you don't want to get back everything that has been lost between us, however, proves how weak is that healing of yours: you are not prepared to face me. you are not prepared to have rain on your parade. in other words, you are not ready to face the reality that lies beyond the white walls of your little ivory tower.what a pity.

11:44 PM 0 comments

 

taking sides

you could never be on my side. it doesn't mean you're against me, of course, but it means that even though you decided to remain neutral throughout the fight, you would have to step to one of the trenches to tend the wounded after the war was over. and you could never come to my side, no matter how righteous was my cause or how low was the warfare of my adversary. i don't blame you for that, and i will never mistake you as my enemy; but i know i will never count on you for anything. i know it's sad. i know it's yet another loss. but it's inevitable. can't be helped.

11:41 PM 0 comments

 

November 05, 2008

coming to terms

it's not like stepping (deep) into contested land, as i did recently, but it won't be something without risk. i know that a lot of things will surface, it's pretty much inevitable that sooner or later the conversation will move towards the old taboo. maybe it is an opportunity for both of us to realise that we know the same, so there's no reason to pick up the words with extra care; or maybe it will be a missed opportunity, and the confirmation that it is impossible for me to come to terms with that time of my life. what it will definitely be is a chance for me to know more, to learn something else about the abyss that lies behind me.

11:05 PM 0 comments

 

i usually think i have a big mouth...

... and speak too much, too soon. well, as it seems, i should have posted this a long time ago:

(...) real excitement... no, i don't feel it. not any more. working trips have become rather trivial, and unless i get the chance to go to somewhere different (like the u.s. or the eastern europe), i don't think i'll get that old feeling back (...)

and the reason for this can be summed up in one word: prague.

11:00 PM 1 comments

 

and now, on politics...

... since the matter is pretty much unavoidable today, isn't it?

for example, my friend guida is rather excited about barack obama. she and the rest of the europeans, it seems. oh well. i'll be honest: i do like john mccain. he's just out of time: he would have been a great president if he had won in 2000, instead of george bush. but i do like him. obama, on the other hand, doesn't inspire much trust in me. i mean, the big change he will do is the fact that he's black. positive discrimination, in the end. his speeches are good and enthralling. some of his ideas are good as well. but would they have the same impact if he was the classic wasp?

i guess not.

i'd like to see mccain winning these elections just to see the european left-wing hitting the ceiling (few things amuse as much as the left-wing folks hitting the ceiling, i swear). but they will hit it with obama nonetheless. first, because obama, no matter what he says, is american. and secondly, because he won't change a damn thing. the american army won't be out of iraq tomorrow. america's energy policy won't change within this week. the financial crisis won't be over till the end of november. change? what change?

at least, the u.s.a. are giving europe - yet again - another lesson on democracy. we could start learning something - for a change.

12:21 AM 0 comments

 

November 04, 2008

motorcade

and since i'm on fire today (can't remember the last time i had updated this blog eight times in the same day), will leave you a great music suggestion: motorcade, by magazine.

and magazine have suddenly become a very good reason for me to pack up and move to the u.k. as fast as i can: apparently, they are going to get together again for a handful of gigs. i'd give... hum... well, i'd make a very generous offer in return of the oportunity to see those guys playing live. 

11:13 PM 0 comments

 

licking the wounds

"the cure for one, john, is another one", he says, not guessing how crooked is that subject to my ears (timings, whatever). well, i've tried. i really did. once. with bad results. too many ghosts were dwelling under my shadow. ended up doing something i'm not really proud of. undeserved, for one. unworthy, for another. the cure for one might well be another one, all right, but only if we're sheltering ghosts no more. 'cause we have no right to ask anyone to lick our wounds for us. 

10:38 PM 0 comments

 

how to resume the weirdest dream i've ever had:

blurred scenario, apparently a bed where we both sat. i talk with a. (my ex). she is, however, wearing the face of b. (an old girl friend - not 'girlfriend' - of mine). and she tells me about her affair with c. (a girl i've met last year, and who i wouldn't mind to know better, if you know what i mean). now, what the hell is this shit supposed to mean anyway?

[miss chatterley asked me, when i told her this dream, what would freud say about it. to be quite honest, i'd rather not know that.]

10:34 PM 0 comments

 

distraction

no, shameful distraction. it's not that my life is thrilling - because it's not, nothing happens here - but i managed to forget this blog's birthday. october the eighteenth, three years and around fifteen hundred posts published. and i haven't yet see fight club again.

1:48 PM 0 comments

 

grave digger

i should know better: to dig into the past makes one feel old. and yes, it's possible to feel old like some fucking dinossaur when you're twenty-three. you just need to dig out some pictures - which i did -, let those good moments came back to your mind - and they came -, and start making calculations about when they happened - which i also did. a lot of good moments came back all of a sudden, and i started to think about them (not that i had a choice in that matter), and i was rather astonished to realize they've happened quite a long time ago. almost a lifetime ago, actually. and as i was roaming through those long-lost moments, i also realized that it has also been a long time, a very long time, since i've felt good. since i've felt happy, i mean really happy, fulfilled, untouchable. memory is a terrible thing, i tell you.

12:27 PM 0 comments

 

notes from barcelona, not in real-time (I)

r. asked me if i was excited about this trip. 'excited' is not quite the right term. okay, it's nice to leave the country for a couple of days - it's always a different experience, even if i don't leave the hotel room at night (and i always leave, mind you). or even if the trip is to barcelona, which is a great city, but which i've visited a handful of times already. real excitement... no, i don't feel it. not any more. working trips have become rather trivial, and unless i get the chance to go to somewhere different (like the u.s. or the eastern europe), i don't think i'll get that old feeling back, like i felt the first time i was going for a working trip. then i was excited about it, so excited i could hardly sleep that night. it would be my first working trip, my first time in france, and my first travel by plane. not it's all pretty much the same: the press conferences, the keynotes, the one-to-one interviews, the countless powerpoint slides, the dinners among strangers in some hot-shot place. 

still, it does feel cool right now, sitting here in the street with a mug of beer and the usual cigarrette. and yet... could really use some nice company.

12:19 PM 0 comments

 

on forgiveness

i remember a singular episode that happened to me a long time ago (won't even think about how long ago). when me and s. broke up, our common group of friends broke up as well. in three pieces, to be more precise: those who were on my side, those who were on her side, and those who decided to play switzerland and remained neutral as the whole class was falling apart. the funny thing is, neither me or her wanted our private little war to escalate to the whole crew. it was our business, and our business alone; and yet, as i talked about it with some people, so did she, and everyone started taking sides. i'm not willing to play the victim, but the fact is, she was the one who screw up then, and those who remained on my side, so to speak, blamed her. 

eventually, the hatred between me and her faded away, and we became friends again (we're still very good friends, by the way). i forgave her. i truly did. but those who were on my side never forgave her for her mistakes, and still don't like it. it's the same for some friends of mine who never really liked her, and who started hating her after we broke up: they still hate her, they still can't understand how could i made peace with her. they can't still forgive her. but they didn't have to blame her in the first place.

it's funny to see how we can forgive those who hurt us easily than our friends. after a while, we want nothing but peace; but they're still after the promise of bloodshed they never saw fulfilled.

11:37 AM 0 comments

 

deadly choices

truth be told, the choice is between two different kinds of death: death by silent crucification or death by noisy boredom. time to flip a coin.

11:33 AM 0 comments

 

November 02, 2008

too fast an answer

too fast an answer. you know more that you let on.

3:41 PM 0 comments

 

light

someone turned on a light, it seems. its glow is dim, faint, and from the distance i'm not even sure whether it's real or just another mirage. but real or not, it's a light. time to start moving, again.

3:33 AM 1 comments

 

November 01, 2008

on tolerance

the truth is, people are intolerant by nature. and there's no way to deny it. we might well wear one of those pretty masks of tolerance and friendship that are so in fashion today. we might repeat day and night those fancy and politically-correct slogans. but deep inside, we are intolerant. we do not trust the differences. we tend not to like those who think differently, radically differently. more: we tend not to listen to them, even. and we pretend not to. we pretend it day and night. oh, we are so good, so tolerant, so comprehensive towards the other. tolerant, my ass.

7:21 PM 0 comments

 

the monster within

you will have a comparison term. and sooner than you think. you're pretty much in a "hyde" phase: the little devil within you has been caged for too long, and now it has come out roaring. and now he wants to live everything you have denied him (yourself) for all those years, and he wants to do it fast. and he's doing it fast, and he's dragging you along; and in all that rush, you are not given the time to understand the path you're walking. and it's a dangerous one, you know? you don't know your limits anymore, for they used to be too thin, and your outburst scattered all the borders across the four winds. you don't know when to stop. or where. or how, for that matter. you don't want to. live fast, you think. but it won't bring you anything back, for what's lost is lost and will be forever lost, no matter what you do or how hard you do it.

7:15 PM 0 comments

 

chaos will always prevail. it is better organized.

thoughts and chaos by

  • john raynes
  • [ jeraynes[at]gmail[dot]com ]

present past:

  • suicide note
  • euphoria and broken glass
  • tear drop
  • requiem for lothorethiel
  • self-inflicted pain
  • the girls we followed home
  • untamed
  • the stand alone friend

guest stars:

  • anonymous
  • delerium14
  • alice
  • shelyra
  • jill
  • virginia

second home:

  • jardim de micróbios
  • viagem a andrómeda

friends:

  • Damn, life, you scary!
  • era um manual de instruções, por favor
  • hoje voltei a ver
  • i'm just killing time
  • lady chatterley
  • tudo e nada

personal favourites:

  • a lei seca
  • aurea mediocritas
  • complexidade e contradição
  • locus amoenus
  • ouriquense
  • postsecret
  • the tugboat complex
  • vontade indómita

early morning laughs:

  • bug comic
  • sinfest
  • xkcd

politically speaking:

  • blasfemias
  • delito de opinião
  • estado sentido
  • o insurgente
  • portugal dos pequeninos
  • 31 da armada

outside world:

  • a forum of ice and fire
  • dead air space

recent chaos:

  • Eulogy
  • Spaceport
  • Lifeless
  • Undertow
  • Smoke and mirrors
  • Mistakes
  • Cast no shadow
  • Love will tear us apart
  • Lady Winter
  • Music doesn't really get any better than this

the past (un)perfect:

  • October 2005
  • November 2005
  • December 2005
  • January 2006
  • February 2006
  • March 2006
  • April 2006
  • May 2006
  • June 2006
  • July 2006
  • August 2006
  • September 2006
  • October 2006
  • November 2006
  • December 2006
  • January 2007
  • February 2007
  • March 2007
  • April 2007
  • May 2007
  • June 2007
  • July 2007
  • August 2007
  • September 2007
  • October 2007
  • November 2007
  • December 2007
  • January 2008
  • February 2008
  • March 2008
  • April 2008
  • May 2008
  • June 2008
  • July 2008
  • August 2008
  • September 2008
  • October 2008
  • November 2008
  • December 2008
  • January 2009
  • February 2009
  • March 2009
  • April 2009
  • May 2009
  • June 2009
  • July 2009
  • August 2009
  • September 2009
  • October 2009
  • November 2009
  • December 2009
  • January 2010
  • February 2010
  • March 2010
  • April 2010
  • May 2010
  • June 2010
  • July 2010
  • August 2010
  • September 2010
  • October 2010
  • November 2010
  • December 2010
  • January 2011
  • February 2011
  • March 2011
  • April 2011
  • May 2011
  • June 2011
  • July 2011
  • August 2011
  • September 2011
  • October 2011
  • November 2011
  • December 2011
  • January 2012
  • February 2012
  • March 2012
  • April 2012
  • May 2012
  • June 2012
  • July 2012
  • September 2012
  • December 2012

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