a chronicle from the underworld

raïne eventually returned to lómil-gathiel, after countless time wandering alone through the northlands. but arathièn, his beloved princess, never left her hideout to meet him. for she knew he was no longer the same. she knew it since the battle in cadrieldür, when he took the demon's sword and the crystal pendant was shattered. the curse had taken him over - not his body, but his soul. and even her, a powerful elvish enchanter, could not undo the damage already taken. his once noble soul was forever lost - and with it, their love.

we live and we die. we hope and we despair. we love and we hate. we are happy and we are sad. we fight and we settle everything. and most of times, we don't understand how and why things happen.

cheers!

to love is like to get drunk. when the hang over comes, not only you think that you cannot drink that much again, but you also swear that you won't do it again. until next time.

new year

if i had to pick a word that could summarize this year, it'd be hard to chose. maybe weird was the best one. but this year i won't write a depressive post, as i used to do. someone asked me to write something nice. well, it won't be hard to do, for she's the very same reason why i am not down by now. at last. the year is ending and i am not alone nor depressed. i thank you, my love, for that. i owe you my happiness. happy new year!

almost

to be "almost" somewhere is never comforting. the less time we have to wait, the more time it seems to be.

what difference does it make?

the past makes no difference at all. unfinished businesses? let them be. why would they be important now? had they been really important, and they'd have been solved before. when they were present. not now. not anymore. past experiences? they may guide us, but must never be taken literally. people change. times change. even if the situations seem the same, they cannot be the same.

silence

there are those who fear the dark. as for one, i fear the silence. not the silence itself. but the silence that comes when we are less expecting, when we think we're going to hear words, a loved voice, an angel song. the silence behind a dead phone, or under averting eyes.

suicide note IV

in that night, black storm clouds covered the starlit sky i used to worship.

in that night, furious lightning bolts traversed the sky and scorched the dephts of my own with their blistering light, as ravenous thunders bursted in my ears and shoke my restless soul.
in that night, rain was not cold as it should be, and it burned my naked skin.

in that night, for the very first time in my life, i wished to die.

and i died.

i didn't scream, i didn't cry, i didn't even mutter, for no one was there to hear me (no one ever is). i just sat in the dark, alone and cold, with the razor in my fingers. i didn't cut my fists, but my soul has been ripped apart. i didn't shed my own blood, but i felt it leaving my body, soaking my hands, flooding the ground around me. my heart never stopped beating, but i've never felt its beat again since then.

i have no scars in my fists. still i can see them all the time, burning in red hot, reminding me every waking moment that my world fell down, and how i killed myself in the fall. i can still walk, breathe and see. though my path is gone, the air isn't cool and fresh, and i'm surrounded by darkness.

i wander without a destiny, without a goal, without a reason. i don't remember my past, i don't dream with my future. i don't live my present anymore. i feel the morning sun warming my pale skin, but my soul is as frozen as ice. the world is oblivious to my sorrow as i'm oblivious to its existence.

i returned from hell in that bleak night. but my soul remained down there, burning for the eternity...

(originally published in the darkside rebirth at january 3rd, 2005)

an ode to no one

it's a stupid thing that i've seen countless times. it's inevitable, and i know it. sooner or later, one of us will screw it all up, and the storm begins once again. always the same thing. the same arguments. the same anger. the same sorrow. it's so stupid. it never changes. then why don't we learn? why do we keep doing the same mistakes on and on? why don't you try not to say those things you know that hurt me? why don't i try to ignore the pain? you see me as a devil incarnated, one reckless and full of hatred, that will never thank you for everything you did to me - and you like to remind me all the time of everything you did for me, of every petty sacrifice you made, of everything. i'm no devil. also, i'm no angel. i just wanted you to understand me. i just wanted you to realise that i'm no child nor devil - just a human being, as good and bad as a human being can be. i just wanted my failures to be less worthy than the good things i've accomplished so far. but you don't care. you don't give a fuck to that. i'm the devil here, after all. you must be the martyr, forever doomed to be tormented by the hounds of hell. not forever. forever is a lot of time.

a lot of time to be alone. again, the fate. always here, with that ironic smile of its own. now the memories of that cursed night. i regret it. not the thoughts that sliced and diced through my mind, but the lack of courage to make those thoughts real. it'd be the easiest thing to do. but i'd not be here to regret it.

show no mercy

i love when people tell me the truth. most of times it makes me sad, really sad. but i'd rather be sad for something true than happily deceived by a merciful lie.

same thing

hatred is nothing but frustrated love that cannot find its target. then it turns to ourselves. twisted. revolved. angry. destructive. love and hate are not opposites; they are the very same thing. just as the light and its shadow.

10 things i hate about christmas

8) christmas' gifts: not that i don't like to give (or receive) gifts. but i like to do it when i'm up to it. when i find something nice to someone. not when a "special" day is coming, making me run from store to store seeking the right gift (same goes for birthdays).

again, forwards

yet it is quite ironic - in the past i moved several crusades against e-mail forwards (we all know how harmful they can be). and now i see one of my writings turning into one. life has indeed an ironic sense of humour.

again, forwards

this may be roughly translated, for i don't know who is the author (suffice to say i received these words by an e-mail forward). but it's something i feel right now, and it think it could fit in here:

distance wipes the weaker passions and ignites the stronger ones, just as the wind lights off a candle and turns a campfire into a wildfire.

miss you*

atheism revisited

christmas has so much to do with christ nowadays that many are those who say "x-mas" instead.

fast forward

a friend told me recently that the things i hate about christmas are spreading through the internet via e-mail forward. which means that some creep must have stepped into this blog and taken some ideas. this is a bit weird - i never expected to see some ideas of my own spreading that way. of course that the "copyright" is lost in the process. it's fine by me. e-mail forwards can be both imbecile and ingenious. let's assume this is ingenious, and i shall rest my case.

10 things i hate about christmas

7) christmas' decorations: as we all know, christmas begins in early november, and some times, even in october. by that time, coloured lights, shooting stars, big fat santas and a whole kind of decorations takes over the streets, the stores, the houses. and they are always the same, year after year. bye bye, grey melancholic days.

spin

i'd rather chase your shadow all my life
than be afraid of my own
i'd rather be with you
i'd rather not know
where i'll be than
be alone and convinced that I know

and the world keeps spinning round
my world's upside down
and i wouldn't change a thing
i've got nothing else to lose
i lost it all when i found you
and i wouldn't change a thing
no, you and i wouldn't change a thing

everything i know has let me down
so i will just let go
let you turn me inside out
cause i know i'm not sure
about anything
but you wouldn't have it any other way

and the world keeps spinning round
my world's upside down
and i wouldn't change a thing
i've got nothing else to lose
i lost it all when i found you
and i wouldn't change a thing
no, you and i wouldn't change a thing

spinning turning watching burning
all my life has found its meaning
walking crawling climbing falling
all my life has found its meaning

you and i wouldn't change a thing
no, you and i wouldn't change a thing

and the world keeps spinning round
my world's upside down
and i wouldn't change a thing
i've got nothing else to lose
i lost it all when i found you
and i wouldn't change a thing
no, you and i wouldn't change a thing
no, you and i wouldn't change a thing

(lifehouse)

black snow

when no one was expecting, winter arrived. the soft, cool breeze couldn't guess the violent blizzard that followed. temperature dropped. fires went down. everything became dark, as if the world was about to end - not engulfed in wildfires, but in ice and frost. looking through the window to the white darkness, i can't stop thinking "it's cold outside, isn't it..?"

carpe diem

can one believe in carpe diem when the day becomes a nightmare?

bleak december

Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow, sorrow for the lost Lenore,.
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore,
Nameless here forevermore.

(edgar allan poe, the raven)

silent courage

i never admired you as i did in that moment - when you called back your incoming tears and only your smile was noticed by the others. you were telling me something bigger than me. i cannot help you, and you knew it. you talked. you cried. and then you smiled, as if you had crossed the line between worlds and nothing happened at all. courage can't be heard in a war cry; sometimes, the real courage hides behind the most unbreakable silence.

make it happen

if we need that right moment, and don't know when can it be (for what is worth, we never do), the best thing we can do is to make ourselves the right moment.

10 things i hate about christmas

6) family gatherings. all right, i never see my relatives, but when christmas comes, i have to see'em all at once. even those who never cared - the sames that arrive saying merry christmas and hugging and kissing everyone. spare me. if people never bothered to say a simple "hello" during the whole year, why do they have to show up for christmas' eve?

feeding

when i was a child, i enjoyed reading while having my meals. lunching or dining were a better moment for me if i was allowed to bring a book for the table and read it happily while i was eating. my parents never liked this, and so it was an old habit that i lost over the years. i never understood why. meal time is indeed the best time for us to read. we feed our body and our mind.

life has a quite ironic sense of humour...

... and i know it for several years. yet, as i'm not surprised to see my history repeated on and on, i never expected to see something i despise giving me the greatest opportunities. living and learning.

doubt

"unquestionable belief is not rooted in faith - but in doubt."

(joan d. vinge, in tangled up in blue)

like sheep

fear won't drive us anywhere. we know it. yet we follow it quite often.

darkside rebirth [the future is yours]

if you knew the world was going to end tonight, what would you do in a different way?
and what if i told you that, if you did something different tonight, the world wouldn't end?

if you knew that your fear would obliterate a whole world, would you face it?
and what if i told you that, by facing your fear, a brand new world would be reborn?

if you could change one mistake in your past, what would you change?
and what if i told you that, by changing that mistake, you'd get back everything you had lost..?

if you know that, after all, it wasn't too late, what would you do?
and what if told you that, because it wasn't too late, the present could still be changed?

if you had to chose between your life and the life of the one who loves you, which one would you chose?
and what if i told you that, by chosing your lover's life, it could became one.... with yours..?

laugh

have you ever heard a sad laugh?

parallel universe

psychic changes are born in your heart, entertain,
a nervous breakthrough that makes us the same...
bless your heart girl!

kill the pressure it's raining on
salted cheeks
when you hear the beloved song
i am with you

(red hot chili peppers)

just for those who haven't noticed yet

winter is coming.

suicide note III

the cigarrette is the cowardice of the courageous.

what pains me is not my fear. it's the fact that world keeps spinning around, no matter what. everything has a right moment to happen; we can either miss it or hit the target. but we do never have time to think about it. we can hesitate, delay the innevitable. but once the moment arrives, it's gone and it's gone for good. only after it's done can we realise that it was the wrong time, the wrong place, the wrong words. only after it's done can we understand how far can it go. only after it's done can we realise how deep will we fall.

a chronicle from the underworld

"this is not work of creation", said narayan, staring at the outside through the cave's opening. "but destruction. all this you see, the mountains, the snowy peaks, the glaciers, the frozen lakes, the blizzard, this is destruction, pure and simple. these lands were different - nitramneadh, nifrithe, nayanna, they took ages to create what had been here before. and nithramneadh level the whole place in a heartbeat. this is the nature of the world. creation takes a lifetime, sometimes more, while destruction takes a moment, a second. yet, as a second seldom holds a lifetime, a lifetime holds countless seconds...."

somethings never change

i don't blame anyone for making a mistake. i blame everyone who makes an obvious mistake and refuses to see that it was wrong.

10 things i hate about christmas

5) santa. please. a fat old man wearing a blood red suit that travels through the sky in a sled pulled by reins (one of them has a red nose) that goes down the chemneys in order to leave gifts for the kids at midnight? in spain, christmas' gifts are exchanged in the 6th january - when the kings guided by a shooting star made it to the cottage where christ were born, to praise the saviour and to give him regal gifts. even though it's still an opportunity to buy and trade, it keeps faithful to the original tale.

phylosophy out of a friend's messenger nickname (IV)

"mankind's greatest mistake is to try to wipe from the mind what cannot be wiped from the heart."

mistaking her name

never have i wished so hardly that freud was wrong after all.

messy me

according to my sun sign, gemini, and my ascendant, cancer, my personality is made by two different sides - one rational and one emotional. i'd add a third one - the boiling imagination. now, these three instances inside me are struggling with each other all the time. and so, they get divided into multiple instances that define me as i am. which means:

- the imagination that is always creating new worlds of fantasy where my soul seeks some inner peace;

- the imagination that is always imagining what i feel or what i could feel;

- the imagination that is always imagining what i think, that i could think and what i should have thought;

- the imagination that doesn't trust anything or anyone and is always expecting the worst things to happen;

- the emotions, that feel those noble feelings such as love, friendship and so on;

- the emotions made by negative feeling, plus my emotive skepticism, unfaithful and cronically pessimist;

- the reason that thinks;

- the reason that thinks, but always expects the worst;

- the reason that thinks, but doesn't believe in myself and keeps fighting my feelings;

- the reason that thinks and doesn't not believe in anyone - me included.

now join all these instances in the same shaker, add some ice and voilà! there's me. god damn it, what a mess i am.

now or never

everything has a right moment to happen. one shall neither anticipate nor miss it, or it'll be ruined for good.

phylosophy out of a friend's messenger nickname (III)

"the art of living is to wake up every morning, to raise every time we hit the ground, and to smile every time sadness take us over."

the smart opposition

a friend asks me about my last post. but it was not about her. even though she may be in the "opposition", she is one of those rare and ingenius persons who defend their opinions. we just don't agree in several subjects, and so, every time we talk, we have the most interesting discussions. if everyone agreed with me, what would i discuss? wish everyone was like you, my dear - my conversations would be far more appealing. cheers!

lost in translation, again

several friends are opposition (my language has a better way to say this: ser do contra; sometimes, writing in a foreign language is a hell). what do they oppose? nothing. and everything. they say they like to stand against everything. just to be different. just like me, and the cigarrettes i smoke - no one around my age has the same yellow packs of walking cancer (old school, as someone said). or just as me, and this blog. why do i write it in english by the way? am i opposition as well?

wrong person

i never understood why my friends ask me if the girl i love is a nice girl. are they naïve enough to expect me to say "no"?

10 things i hate about christmas

4) oh, wait, but that the hell has some lad named jesus christ to do with christmas? silly me. right. everyone know that the christmas symbol is not a poor kid born two hundred years ago in a stable with the mission to redeem mankind's sins. yeah, right. how could it be? that ain't fun. what is this tale compared to the fat old geezer wearing a blood red woolen suit that is arguably the best advertising campaign ever made?

10 things i hate about christmas

3) everyone saying that christmas is a time for happyness. as far as i can remember, the birth of jesus christ didn't make everyone happy. king herod, for example.

love is indeed a strange place

lost in translation

one thing i always found funny is the movie translations for portuguese. i know it's not easy to rename a movie, but sometimes we really screw it all up. happily, we haven't translated the "matrix" or "armageddon". but "message in a bottle" became "the words i'll never say to you". and "lost in translation" became "love is a strange place".

not dedicated

i made the mistake of dedicating a blog to someone twice. the first time, for the best reasons. the second time, for the worst. love and wrath may be them most important feelings we have in the chaos inside us, but they cannot lead us anywhere. when writing a blog, i mean.

now, some posts may be dedicated to someone. it's not my fault that my mind, my heart or my imagination wish to say something unspoken. this is just a vessel for these three entities, and for the thoughts that are born in the chaos they create altogether.

10 things i hate about christmas

2) christmas ringtones (for cellphones): considering that in my god damned country everyone has, at least, one cellphone, it's quite ironic that all have the same ringtone this time of year. but they do. and they play it loud. all the time. i used to be safe in the underground, but since some brilliant mind decided that cellphones should work there as well, even those peaceful moments are gone for good. as if the pickpockets and thieves were not enough.

10 things i hate about christmas

1) christmas songs. it seems that all shops in this city got the same cd (it's the same year after year) with the very same songs. and they play it all the time. the only christmas song i can hear is that one by wham!: "last christmas / i gave you my heart /but the very next day /you gave it away (...). and, ironically, it's more about love than christmas.

give it a try

the sky is cloudy, dark as the day is already gone. it's not raining now, although the threat is there, ever present, hiding inside the clouds. it's cold outside. and inside. i should close my window, but i'm not up to it. i don't know why - the bleak sky has no moon today, so i can't fix my gaze on it's pale brightness and sigh all night long. what keeps me here, then, freezing with the passing wind, staring at an empty sky? a sight, maybe. a dream. an emptiness i feel inside me every time i look around and see what i see all the time. because there's something missing. someone. someone who makes the most colourless scenario seem full of life. someone who gives a meaning to a book of meaningless words. someone who make me feel warm and comfortable - even happy. god, happy! how i longed for this over the years, the utter impossibility of our lives! i know you are here - even though you are far, too far away, where i cannot see you and tell you how much i miss you and how much i love you. you are here. inside me. but i miss your warm touch, your soft lips, your ever dreaming eyes, your rebel hair... i could cry all this to the bleak skies and hope you to hear me. would you? i don't know. yet you're worth to give it a try.

id

(...)

morpheus: everything begins with choice.

merovingian: no. wrong. choice is an illusion, created between those with power, and those without. look there, at that woman. my god, just look at her. affecting everyone around her, so obvious, so bourgeois, so boring. but wait... watch - you see, i have sent her dessert, a very special dessert. i wrote it myself. it starts so simply, each line of the program creating a new effect, just like poetry. first, a rush... heat... her heart flutters. you can see it, neo, yes? she does not understand why - is it the wine? no. what is it then, what is the reason? and soon it does not matter, soon the why and the reason are gone, and all that matters is the feeling itself. this is the nature of the universe. we struggle against it, we fight to deny it, but it is of course pretense, it is a lie. beneath our poised appearance, the truth is we are completely out of control. (...)

(the matrix reloaded)