thoughts in chaos

long is the way and hard that out of hell leads up to the light. [john milton] long is the way and hard that out of hell leads up to the light. [john milton]


December 31, 2008

eulogy for the living

i remember the first time i did this. back then i had no computer yet, let alone a blog; and moleskine notebooks had not been revived yet - and even if they had been revived back then, it would have been impossible for me to buy one in the god forsaken end of the world where i was born. digression. i had this notebook with a cover in black paperback - the closest thing of a teenager's journal i've ever had - and during my teenage years i used to write a little on it. now and then, you know. i had it with me in that day, in that last day of that year. lunch at my aunt's had been wonderful, as it always is, but the family's joy was not soothing me. so i left the house and went out for a walk. 

i remember the day. it was cold and gray, somewhat windy and willing to pour. i was oblivious to it, and left home nonetheless, with my notebook and my red-ink pen as my only company (back then i really liked to write stuff in red; don't ask). my footsteps eventually led me to the river side, to the small wooden walkway build by the river. a beautiful place for lovers, a friend of mine from lisbon said once, after going there in a weekend. it was true back then, and it's still true: that walkway by the river is a wonderful place for lovers. and even to get laid, if one picks up the wooden benches surrounded by the bushes. digression. anyway, i went there, and sat in one of those benches - the same one in which we both would sat three years later, and where she would offer herself to me in such a predictable and crude way that it made it impossible for me to accept it, her. digression (damn it). i sat, i looked at the sky, i opened my notebook and i wrote. in red.

i was feeling so miserable that day. it was the last day of the year; and looking back almost brought tears to my eyes (if only i could cry). it had been a terrible year, that one; almost everything bad that could have happened had happened. shattered love. hurricanes at home. lost friends. hell, as a seventeen year-old kid would see it. i wrote all that, and in the following day i went there again and wrote another page. a chronicle. the end of the year and the beginning of the next one. the end of all things, and the promise of rebirth. no, no, this is too optimistic for my taste. 

i'm doing it again, and the wall of text above was merely the introduction to the last post of 2008 - a summary of the wretched year that is just about to end. if you ask me, it was about damn time. 2008 was a terrible year. it started well - as a matter of fact, it couldn't have started better, far away in the kingdom of danmark having the best new year's party of my life. should have stayed there for my own good; but as i returned, it all came tumbling down. first, by doing something that far from making me feel proud, made me (and makes me) feel sore as hell. no one has the right to hurt another. i, for one, had no such right. and all that to try to reach a heaven that was nothing but the third sphere of hell in disguise. it pains for having wasted my time the way i did. it pains for having allowed myself to do it, because i knew it, damn it, i knew it: it would be a nightmare again, a recurring nightmare. had this voice in the back of my head telling me that all the time. ignored it. bad call. fucked up big time. got nothing out of it, nothing but a couple of hard lessons learned and a heart broken beyond healing. shattered love, again, turning me into a bunch of scar tissue. then, friends. oh, friends. made some new ones, some good ones, but will go to that later. lost some as well. some good ones. had no choice, have no choice; i'm definitely not up to put aside my pride again. have nothing to apology for. she does, though. she does, but she won't do it. and so it won't be fixed, and we've gone out of each other's reach at last. it's ironic that our friendship blossomed during the four years we were living hundreds of miles away from each other, to end right when we're about to live in the same city again. 

death also made her appearance, first by knocking at my door and then by getting in uninvited. it was not unexpected, of course; but we are never prepared for it. we might be waiting for it every day, we might wish for her to come in our dreams, we might know that it would be all for the best - that it won't be when she shows up. we are never prepared for death. she comes, and time stops and everything becomes dark and in the end, when light is allowed back into us, we are bleeding inside and another piece of our heart has been shattered. and death's wounds, they are never truly healed. they can't be. we might lose someone for many reasons, but there is no fallen love or distance that can open a wound so hard to heal. 

of course, the year had some good things. someone popped up in my life in the most unexpected way - but thinking about it, some of the most important people of my life have arrived in the funniest ways. she was no exception, of course, and the only thing i'm looking forward to for the next year is to see her again. 

plans for the evening included staying at home alone, with a good cigarrette, a good wine, a book and some background music. a late-hour invitation has dragged me out of town though; so by the time this post will be online, i'll be somewhere else. hopefully having fun. even though a part of me will be drifting away, far from me, far from everything. the part of me that can never ever let go will be somewhere else. after all, as radiohead sang once, "this is only half-way". 

10:30 PM 0 comments

 

and 2008 must end with... death

i would have a lot to say about death, since this year... well, death has shown up her dark face more often than never. but that's meant for another post; this one is about the demise of graham chapman.

if you're asking who is graham chapman, then i feel you should never be allowed to see a comedy movie again, for graham chapman was a master comedian, no more no less than one of the members of monty python. and to answer your second question: no, he hasn't died today, or yesterday. he died in 1989. so why i'm talking about chapman's death now? well, first because i'm a monty python's fan. and also because only yesterday i got to know about chapman's memorial service.

you've all been to funerals before, so you know what are they all about. the air goes thick, the silence seems to suffocate you, and the whole atmosphere makes a smile something impossible. and the eulogies. oh, can't stand them. always praising the late. anyway. not with monty python. not with chapman. and definitely not with john cleese's eulogy, which went on like this:

Graham Chapman, co-author of the Parrot Sketch, is no more. He has ceased to be. Bereft of life, he rests in peace. He's kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, bit the dust, snuffed it, breathed his last, and gone to meet the great Head of Light Entertainment in the sky. And I guess that we're all thinking how sad it is that a man of such talent, of such capability for kindness, of such unusual intelligence, should now so suddenly be spirited away at the age of only forty-eight, before he'd achieved many of the things of which he was capable, and before he'd had enough fun. Well, I feel that I should say: nonsense. Good riddance to him, the freeloading bastard, I hope he fries. And the reason I feel I should say this is he would never forgive me if I didn't, if I threw -- threw away this glorious opportunity to shock you all on his behalf. Anything for him but mindless good taste. I could hear him whispering in my ear last night as I was writing this. "All right, Cleese," he was saying, "you're very proud of being the very first person ever to say 'shit' on British television; if this service is really for me, just for starters, I want you to become the first person ever, at a British memorial service, to say 'fuck'".

it'd be worth dying if only one of my friends would have the balls to say something like this. but such a speech would be impossible in portugal, with the retarded mindset of people. anyway, pure brilliance. if you wanna see it on video, check below. there's also eric idle singing always look on the bright side of life. on a fucking funeral, for god's sake. it's amazing. chapman might have died, but he died laughing. that's for sure. and that's how things should be. 



1:45 PM 0 comments

 

where i am and where i should be

it might be better this way, but i can't help but feeling sorry for it all. first because i should have waited until the last minute - i usually do, but the drunken haze took me over. and also because i'd really feel up for it, despite the risk it would imply. oh, i do feel far more up to it than for what is waiting for me. it might be better this way, i believe. and it won't be because a part of me will never be truly where i am, but where i should be. 

1:42 PM 0 comments

 

December 29, 2008

my christmas tale*

i wander alone downtown. suddenly, or not so suddenly, the coloured lightbulbs turn the whole city into a huge christmas tree. it's cold outside - i can feel it crawling under my clothes and hug my skin. a chill runs down my spine, and i bury my hands into my jacket's pockets. the cold is real. too real, if you ask me. one can't run away from it, not when the only option left is to wander through the streets by the winter's solstice. 

christmas' songs can be heard here and there, assaulting my cold mind. i know all of them: some from the countless times they are broadcast on the telly or in the radio; others from some random lift. those are not the ones i remember, though. the songs that come to my mind are those i've learned many years ago in the church, when i was a child, the joyful songs praising the birth of a little baby with no wealth at all. i walk by a shop, the window shows miniature bethlehem nested among the red and green and blue intermitent lights: the narrow cottage with its natural inhabitants, the cow and the donkey; near, joseph and mary, exiled from the world and from those who have cast them out. they are kneeling around a baby, the child unaware of its unavoidable fate that would forever change the course of history. the child, jesus, whose birth prophets and sybils said to redeem mankind's sins. around the cottage, shephers are gathering, summoned by the angel who sings in the sky; and further away, three wise kings coming from distand lands with gifts worthy of the mightest emperor. and up in the sky shines a star, like a smile of the heavens above, sheltering the army of angels who have traded the swords for songs. a sad smile takes shape in my frostbitten lips. can't help it. right here in front of my eyes, through the glass, lies christmas' true meaning - the birth of jesus. the real christmas' spirit, now forgotten by the men once meant to be saved. christmas. what does it has to do with the fat old man, with snow-white beard and blood-red suit, who travels the sky in a sledge pulled by reindeer, giving away gifts for the children who have behaved well? what does it has to do with the restless rush to shopping malls that we can see today? suddenly i long for my childhood, for my grandmother's gifts, always given with a warm smile and "in the name of baby jesus". christmas was his, and his alone; why was it taken from him? nowadays, how does a father explain to his children that santa does not exist and all those gifts under the tree are offered by the family instead? what did you know about it, grandmother? nothing. you never needed to. your wisdom was of a different kind. god did exist, you were sure of his presence. everyone did; and everything else was nothing but fantasies to entretain the imagination, for happiness didn't rely upon them.

i resume my walking, facing the cold street with that image still printed on my mind's eye. i'm not religious, mind you; and even though my education was doubtlessly catholic, i don't consider myself one. might be a christian if you want, a neutral one who doesn't go to the church. it's an option, a phylosophy as good as any other i suppose. above all i'm a free spirit, a free mind. faith is something meant for some futile show-off; it is felt within us, and within us alone. rituals are meaningless then,fir they are empty: everything that truly matters lies deep inside, hidden from anyone's gaze. god might exist somewhere, but that possibility is well beyond my reasoning, and it's long since i've given up to try to explain it. i'm not more or less faithful than anyone else; nor do i want to be. if god does exist, i'll find out one day - either to ascend to heaven or to rot in hell. it doesn't matter. but meanings to matter to me, and i can't help feeling sad for the corruption of christmas. there are some who still remember its true meaning, but those are lost in the crowd, the same crowd who invades shopping malls in a frenzy. that's not the worst thing though. the worst is the hipocrisy that everyone seems to accept with a smile. messages of good wishes are sent to friends and foes alike. cumpliments are given freely, with a long rehearsed smile carefully prepared for these happy days. what happy days?

sometimes i thing that i might well be the one wrong in all this. i mean, why on earth should i be right and half the world wrong? i'm the cast out, after all. but truth be told, christmas is a sad time for me. i know it might sound weird, but it's true. for many, christmas is the time when family gathers around the dinner table, everyone's differences and arguments left out in the cold for one night. a time for peace, for happiness, for love. well, not in my family. at least i can't blame it for hipocrisy. but i don't get it. christmas is only one day! the peace and the love were part of the original meaning, now lost by the heathen cult of progress. but why do people smile now, when they don't do it during the other three-hundred and sixty-four days of the year? why do they gather now, if they never did it before, if they never cared to even say hello before? why do people feel they must share love now, if everything around us teaches us nothing but hatred? a time for peace? well, not for me. my spirit is waging war, more than ever. why would i be allowed to rest now?

*this is something i've written several years ago. somehow i felt like translating it now, the christmas' thoughts of a seventeen year-old girl walking alone through the city. it's no big deal, but it's the closest from a christmas' tale i have ever written. 

3:21 PM 0 comments

 

December 28, 2008

in all possible levels

talk about reading between the lines. i know all too well what you meant by "in all possible levels". you just confirmed my insignificance. and not without ingratitude, i might add. i was the spring and you were the winter after all.

11:25 PM 0 comments

 

December 22, 2008

last words

famous last words: "that was not my intention" (it never is) and "i'm sorry" (we always are). forget about intentions. forget about feeling sorry. the world were we do live in has no place for bullshit like that.

11:51 PM 0 comments

 

10 things i hate about christmas (X)

10) christmas gifts. and no, i'm not a greedy person. and i do like to offer gifts. and to receive gifts. but not by any so-called "special ocasion". i like when i'm wandering around somewhere and i see something and i think "(s)he would like this". and i buy it, and i offer it to that person, just for the sake of it. because i remember that person, because he or she is important to me. whatever. i don't like to feel like i have to do something. nor do i like to know that someone feels that way. i remember one of the best gifts i've ever had, it was apparently so meaningless - but it was special because my friend knew i'd like it, and bought it for me just for the hell of it. it wasn't christmas, it wasn't my birthday. it was a day just like any other. and she just gave me something without expecting anything back in return. that's a gift. that, along with her friendship, is a true gift.

11:42 PM 0 comments

 

10 things i hate about christmas (IX)

the series was unfinished last year. it's about time to finish it, i suppose.

9) christmas well-wishes by sms. i like when people remember me. i like when they get in touch. really, i'm not that withdrawn (yet). but i can really do without those predefined christmas sms that people send to everyone. if the message was customized, well, we'd know that person would have meant it for us, and for us alone - because we were important, because he or she remembered us, whatever. but no. the same jokes, the same bullshit. year after year. i usually feel a sudden urge to log off my cell phone in early december and turn it on again only in january. because, well, the "sms' well wishes saga" repeats itself in the new year.

11:34 PM 0 comments

 

euphoria and broken glass (II)

christmas. i've been trying to write something about it for hours to no avail. nothing comes out. as if i had nothing to say. well, after five years in blogs, pretty much everything has been said and done. no point in going again for the ten things i hate about christmas - everyone knows that i despise this time of the year, starting from the first day when i get a merry x-mas sms to the second day of january, when hopefully all the euphoria is gone and people start walking again over the broken glass of their own lives, realizing that nothing has really changed. nothing changes overnight, even if it is the last night of the year. the wreckage will still be there by the morning, no matter how hard we try to hide it for the party's sake. 

11:22 PM 0 comments

 

reminder:

i hate shopping.

11:10 PM 0 comments

 

not a lie, perhaps?

first time it happens. weird sensation. my big mouth fuck up, had to came up with an excuse. easy to do when you're not talking directly to the person in question. eye contact makes everything harder. makes the most perfect lie easily detectable. voice can denounce one, too. a little shake, a slight hesitation, and everything is on the surface. anyway. had to came up with an excuce. a lie. don't do it often. don't like to do it. not with friends. but had to. good excuse. and the funny thing: it became real. i didn't know it would, but it did. it became real. i made up an excuse that turned out to be no excuse at all.

3:04 AM 0 comments

 

December 21, 2008

big mouth

i should have known that my big mouth would get me in trouble one of these days, in the first situation, because i've felt somehow ashamed, and chosed to lie intead of showing pride; the second time, because i was drunk as hell. learn, john. learn. it's wiser to keep your fucking mouth shut. 

12:12 PM 0 comments

 

December 19, 2008

dead end

it is a dead end and i know it. all my steps have led me here - the last opportunity i've had to pick up a different way has been foolishly wasted by some kind of blind faith that i should already know how to ignore. need to study my lessons again, it seems. now i know where this way leads - and despite the fact that long ago it was a wide street full of light, now it's lights are out and the sidewalks are narrowed by rusting garbage and dirt. and it ends with a high brick and mortar wall built in a rush to contain the desolation into my world. for a moment i thought i could breach it, or even take it down, if i tried really hard; but now i doubt it. it might well be possible, of course - we never know - but i not only doubt that it can be done, but also that i want it done. and if i don't want to take it down, it won't be broken by the other side. 
i should start cleaning the mess instead, now that i know at least one thing that i cannot do in order to succeed. but i don't even know where to begin.

9:28 PM 0 comments

 

backfire

what pisses me off is not the shitty attitude, the complete lack of understanding. that i can handle pretty well, with my delirious imagination bringing out might and magic to help as always. what really pisses me off is seeing it all backfiring in the wrong direction. i can deal with the damage well enough; but seeing the damage misdirected to those who have nothing to do with it is so unfair.

1:44 AM 0 comments

 

like shit

do never treat people like shit. for all your frenzy might make you end up stepping on them, and then you'll stink just as much.

1:29 AM 0 comments

 

December 17, 2008

the annoying thing

i might be more "touchy" today than i usually am, but it's been a long while since the same person could really piss me off twice in the same day. still far from my mom's score, but too much for a friend i reckon.

2:09 AM 0 comments

 

December 15, 2008

not to make sense anyway

i wanted to write something about it, and i've tried - the result was countless draft posts deleted, one after the other. and it's not that i have nothing to say (to write) about it, because i do. don't know where to start, though. too many things have crossed my mind since then, and some of those cannot simply go out without the right filters. the question is, how to mask something that simply cannot be masked? it's confusing. i could start by saying that it was completely unpredictable, and that would be true. i could as well say that it was not only predictable but also certain - and i wouldn't be lying either. and the truth is, i don't know. it was expectable, but still surprising. funny paradox. should have hurt, and hurt deeply, and it didn't, it didn't hurt at all. not yet, at least. it's all still taking its course, i guess.

3:09 AM 0 comments

 

and old story to illustrate something... eventually.

i met her again in the street, by chance: i didn't know she was working there, and she had no idea i was back in town. we talk for a few minutes before her bus arrived, and arranged a coffee for the next day. i left, thinking how would that "date" be. and it ended up being exactly like i was expecting. some people are predictable by nature, you know, and it's easy to foresee some behaviour patterns. c. is a simple mind, simultaneously wanton and naïve, and our past, although relatively meaningless, made me predict that in the next day she would come poised to strike. her intention was clear, and words were unnecessary. however, not everyone is that predictable, and many come with clouded intentions veiled by dubious words. and since there is so much more at stake now, i dare not try to guess behaviours or goals - even though i have this feeling that despite my victory in the battle of wits, i'll leave the battlefield defeated this time. 

it kinda reminds me last time. still bleeding from the previous war, i leaped into that challenge with only one goal in mind: to inflict as much damage as i could. and i dared doing that in the most reckless way imaginable. have yet to know whether i have succeeded there or not; but it backfired (it always backfires) and hit me really hard. this time everything must be different. and hopefully it will be. from my part, i'm walk towards the abyss wearing no mask: so you can see how far have i have fallen, and how darker have i become. whether you'll understand your part in all that ordeal it's something that i really don't care about. 

besides, if what it is all about is pure "damage dealing", there are easier ways to do it. and as far as i know, i'm far better with words than with mind games.

2:05 AM 0 comments

 

filtering

honesty is not something absolute. i mean, one cannot be absolutely honest, absolutely sincere. i know people who consider themselves "sincere" because they always speak their minds, because if something about someone crosses their minds, they tell it to the person in question. just like that, straight away. this is hardly sincerity - it's rather stupidity, if you ask me. one is sincere not by saying everything, but by knowing when and how to say something - for there are somethings that must never be spoken, even if we can't help thinking about them. 

(i think i've written this before somewhere, but i'm too tired to search the post and link it). 

we always filter our thoughts. we doing without thinking about it, but we do it nonetheless. we need it done - i think about myself, and if my mind was to be opened, i'd lose all my friends and be sent to an asylum for psichotic faster than i can say "borderline". we have to filter whatever crosses our mind. now, it depends of the people we interact with. with some people, we should be aware of the filtering; with others, we should be able to unwind a little. what saddens me is, between you and me there should not be so many filters.

2:02 AM 0 comments

 

December 12, 2008

2008: songs out of darkness (now in video)


joy division, transmission



magazine, shot by both sides



okkervil river, it ends with a fall




radiohead, where i end and you begin




a fine frenzy, come on come out

2:15 AM 2 comments

 

2008: songs out of darkness*

*not gonna post the best musics/bands of 2008, but pictures of the bands/singer i discovered - or rediscovered - in 2008.




 

 

2:01 AM 0 comments

 

December 10, 2008

if you gaze long into the abyss...

.... the abyss gazes back into you. it's true. and the worst is, once the abyss gazes back into us, we cannot elude it no more. we might stand on its edge for a while, trying not to fall out of balance, but it's a useless effort. sooner or later the vertigo rushes into our mind, and balance becomes impossible: the only option is to fall, to be swallowed by the darkness below.

12:35 AM 0 comments

 

the receiving end

it's getting harder and harder, you know? something is amiss. something has changed and i haven't noticed what it was. but there is little tolerance now, and a lot more mistrust. and i don't like it, i don't like it at all, because it might mean i'm losing something i can't really afford to lose. not now. not in any circumstance, perhaps. i remember now, this was felt before, i believe, but the other way around. now i'm the one in the receiving end. and i don't like it. we never do.

12:06 AM 0 comments

 

shadow

the fact is, i'm always a shadow. the worst thing is, i feel i can't really complain about it. have been working for it over the years, have i not? never standing for anything, never leading anything, never assuming anything. never standing under the spotlight. never facing the lights. never walk to the stake and play my role. what else could i expect? the only thing that comes to us wihout any effort is death.


12:02 AM 0 comments

 

seeing hyde

there is more in your words than what they say. much more. i've learned something, you know. i can read between those lines and see what lies there, the unspoken words that were never voiced outside your mind. perhaps you can do it too - you might as well be able to, being a better observer than i am. of course, all this implies a certain amount of intuition and wild guesses, that might not be accurate. in a way, i hope i'm reading it all wrong, for i really don't like to see myself in the mirror of your eyes now. 

12:01 AM 0 comments

 

the reset button

i would really like to find the *reset* button, only to push it hard and see everything going blank, shattering and reshaping in front of my eyes. not the end of the world. but surely the end of a world. and some beginning, anything new worth looking for. worth fighting for. 

12:00 AM 0 comments

 

December 09, 2008

to socialize with ourselves

people are afraid of loneliness, and i can't help wondering why. people tend to see loneliness - any form of it - as something alien, something that is fundamentally wrong, that should not take place under any circumstance. i really don't share that feeling. have learned the hard way not to depend on others to do something i want to do. to go out and have a beer alone does not scare me, as the beer, a couple of cigarrettes and my journal or a nice book can be a fairly decent company most of times. going to the movies alone is not something weird for me either - i mean, during the film we are not supposed to talk, are we? only if the movie is really crappy anyway. having lunch or dinner alone became an habit in my teenage years, due to my parents' jobs, so nowadays going lunching or dining alone, at home or in a restaurant, is relatively normal. most people that surround me, though, find it rather weird, and even sad. "you went out for dinner alone? why?", or "why haven't you told me, i would have gone with you?" are questions i've grown used to answer in the same dry manner. fortunately, i don't lack company, yet (as far as i know). but sometimes i do lack the will to ring/text/e-mail/messaging someone. it's pretty much like those circumstances when i really do need to see someone, to talk with someone, and browse my entire contact list into a frenzy, searching for the right person, only to end up calling nobody. there is no right person. and sometimes we must be alone. yes, we are social beings. but being social with others means nothing if we can't socialize with ourselves. so to speak. 

11:56 PM 0 comments

 

December 06, 2008

a song out of darkness


you fingertips across my skin
the palm trees swaying in the wind
images

you sang me spanish lullabies
the sweetest sadness in your eyes
clever trick

i never want to see you unhappy
i thought you'd want the same for me

goodbye, my almost lover
goodbye, my hopeless dream
i'm trying not to think about you
can't you just let me be?
so long, my luckless romance
my back is turned on you
ishould've known you'd bring me heartache
almost lovers always do

we walked along a crowded street
you took my hand and danced with me
images

and when you left you kissed my lips
you told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

i never want to see you unhappy
i thought you'd want the same for me

goodbye, my almost lover
goodbye, my hopeless dream
i'm trying not to think about you
can't you just let me be?
so long, my luckless romance
my back is turned on you
i should've known you'd bring me heartache
almost lovers always do

i cannot go to the ocean
i cannot drive the streets at night
i cannot wake up in the morning
without you on my mind
so you're gone and i'm haunted
and i bet you are just fine
did i make it that easy
to walk right in and out of my life?

goodbye, my almost lover
goodbye, my hopeless dream
i'm trying not to think about you
can't you just let me be?
so long, my luckless romance
my back is turned on you
i should've known you'd bring me heartache
almost lovers always do

almost lover, by a fine frenzy

6:09 AM 0 comments

 

December 05, 2008

phylosophy out of a friend's messenger nickname (XXVI):

distance does to love what wind does to fire: puts out a small candle, and fuels a wildfire. not quite, i'd say. distance can put out a small candle, i.e, a small love (if such thing is to exist), but it does not turn a bunch of sparks into a wildfire. as a matter of fact, distance tends more to scatter the sparks to the four winds... if you know what i mean.

1:02 AM 0 comments

 

December 03, 2008

a slap in the face

somehow i've felt those words as a slap in the face. they were probably not meant to me, but i've felt them that way nonetheless. fair enough, i deserved it in a way, for i've been dealing my very own share of slapping lately (the cooldown, always the cooldown). even though i see a significant difference between our words, and between our atitudes, and there's a good deal of misunderstandings in between. as per usual. 

2:14 AM 0 comments

 

alien landscape

looking from a distance, i see now a world so changed it is almost alien to me. every time i look at it, there is something different. impossible changes have taken place, reshaping the face of the earth that once felt like home. once... almost a lifetime ago. i wouldn't recognize it anymore if i was to stumble upon it. i wouldn't feel comfortable there if i was to stay, for i would no longer fit. i wouldn't love it the way i did, not anymore. its once green leaves have growns razor-sharp thorns that would slash my flesh and spill my blood. it's once soft soil has evolved to quicksand fields, deadly traps that would sink me into oblivion. it's once blue skies have turned pitch-black, destroyed by the smokestacks of progress. almost everything is dead; and whatever has not died is sharp, poisonous and treacherous. i wouldn't fit. not anymore.

2:12 AM 0 comments

 

the closed tab

i must belong now to the closed tab, to a mere number shown between brackets on the right corner, with no real name or nickname associated. so i am there, but merely as a number. and a lifetime of memories is so easily reduced to an anonymous number one, or to one of the units that make any other number.

2:11 AM 0 comments

 

do not disturb

no alarms and no surprises. this is all i wish for the last days of this year. i'm done with expectations. with illusions. with dreams to fragile not to shatter. for this year, i want nothing else. i'm not able to believe in good news right now, and i've had enough bad news already.

2:11 AM 0 comments

 

the sixteenth

i'm looking forward to it. it will either confirm the 'drunken haze' theory or show me, once and for all, that something is amiss up in my world's orbit.

2:10 AM 0 comments

 

quoth the raven (XLI):

we always deceive ourselves twice about the people we love - first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage.

albert camus

2:08 AM 0 comments

 

December 02, 2008

lessons hard to learn

those memories made me think, and two lessons were taken out of them: 1) i will never keep myself from doing something i would like to do for anyone's sake; and 2) i will never again waste my time with someone not willing to give and sacrifice as much as i will be. well, both lessons are long since learned, but sometimes we forget the basics and fuck up big time. been there, done that. not anymore.

3:47 AM 0 comments

 

notes from prague (III): memories

i arrive at the congress center to find a prom being held there as well. good enough to see some czech girls all dressed up (as if they need any special clothing to be, generally speaking, astonishingly beautiful). and good enough to remember something i'd rather forget. memory is a terrible thing, isn't it? can't quite help it. and so, my mind is suddenly flooded with memories, memories of what should have never happened, but did. memories of the last game, of the game i was meant to lose. it's funny that it all comes back to me now, as i sit here, catching the beautiful cold outside. or maybe it is just meant to be that way, and i'm meant to be here alone in the cold, smoking cigarrette after cigarrette, unable to stop digging memories out of the dephts of my mind. it's somewhat ironic that i'm not meant to forget. bad memory, you said? i wished.

3:45 AM 0 comments

 

covered by shadows

the part of me that wishes her to be right, that shares her hopes, must be ruthlessly murdered by the part of me that dwells in the dark. it is a late hour for hope. for illusions. for expectations. what can one expect, after all, when all is covered by shadows?

3:45 AM 0 comments

 

heart of darkness

that was beyond contested territories. that was a rush deep into enemy land; deeper than that, only an expedition into the beast's lair. it came as a surprise, of course, for not even i am crazy enough to go and knock on the devil's door. and all that for an illusion, yet another one. and one that stroke me as a surprise, for it was so unexpected. anyway, it was just one more, another one lost in this troubled path. eventually one of these illusions won't be an illusion; it will be something tangible, something real, that will send it all to the oblivion of the past, only for me to start anew. until then, i'll go on trying - if i'm allowed such an optimistic thought.

3:25 AM 0 comments

 

chaos will always prevail. it is better organized.

thoughts and chaos by

  • john raynes
  • [ jeraynes[at]gmail[dot]com ]

present past:

  • suicide note
  • euphoria and broken glass
  • tear drop
  • requiem for lothorethiel
  • self-inflicted pain
  • the girls we followed home
  • untamed
  • the stand alone friend

guest stars:

  • anonymous
  • delerium14
  • alice
  • shelyra
  • jill
  • virginia

second home:

  • jardim de micróbios
  • viagem a andrómeda

friends:

  • Damn, life, you scary!
  • era um manual de instruções, por favor
  • hoje voltei a ver
  • i'm just killing time
  • lady chatterley
  • tudo e nada

personal favourites:

  • a lei seca
  • aurea mediocritas
  • complexidade e contradição
  • locus amoenus
  • ouriquense
  • postsecret
  • the tugboat complex
  • vontade indómita

early morning laughs:

  • bug comic
  • sinfest
  • xkcd

politically speaking:

  • blasfemias
  • delito de opinião
  • estado sentido
  • o insurgente
  • portugal dos pequeninos
  • 31 da armada

outside world:

  • a forum of ice and fire
  • dead air space

recent chaos:

  • Eulogy
  • Spaceport
  • Lifeless
  • Undertow
  • Smoke and mirrors
  • Mistakes
  • Cast no shadow
  • Love will tear us apart
  • Lady Winter
  • Music doesn't really get any better than this

the past (un)perfect:

  • October 2005
  • November 2005
  • December 2005
  • January 2006
  • February 2006
  • March 2006
  • April 2006
  • May 2006
  • June 2006
  • July 2006
  • August 2006
  • September 2006
  • October 2006
  • November 2006
  • December 2006
  • January 2007
  • February 2007
  • March 2007
  • April 2007
  • May 2007
  • June 2007
  • July 2007
  • August 2007
  • September 2007
  • October 2007
  • November 2007
  • December 2007
  • January 2008
  • February 2008
  • March 2008
  • April 2008
  • May 2008
  • June 2008
  • July 2008
  • August 2008
  • September 2008
  • October 2008
  • November 2008
  • December 2008
  • January 2009
  • February 2009
  • March 2009
  • April 2009
  • May 2009
  • June 2009
  • July 2009
  • August 2009
  • September 2009
  • October 2009
  • November 2009
  • December 2009
  • January 2010
  • February 2010
  • March 2010
  • April 2010
  • May 2010
  • June 2010
  • July 2010
  • August 2010
  • September 2010
  • October 2010
  • November 2010
  • December 2010
  • January 2011
  • February 2011
  • March 2011
  • April 2011
  • May 2011
  • June 2011
  • July 2011
  • August 2011
  • September 2011
  • October 2011
  • November 2011
  • December 2011
  • January 2012
  • February 2012
  • March 2012
  • April 2012
  • May 2012
  • June 2012
  • July 2012
  • September 2012
  • December 2012

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